my days so far...

many may wonder what am i doing with my life right now. with no friends, no school, no license, no nothing, whats life? how can i be living in such dull, monotonous and dry lifestyle, being that its eejane. well, guess you actually can, i actually can, with the fact that there is no other way to do it but to live everyday. i am here since May 13th and for 18 days that folkowed, i did nothing but hid myself under the covers for days, maybe i was just trying to runaway from the awful misery i was drowning in. but soon after, i recovered, i had to. those 18 days was all about trying to absorb the fact that i am not in Taiping anymore and trying to settle with the thought that it would take more than 1 month before i am home again. going out and about in where i am was just so tiring. i was not (still am not) very interested to see the the foreign place i am in because i know i will have more than enough time to see it, so why rush? all i wanted to do was stay in.

after the eighteenth day mark, i guess it was time that i do something with my life, moreover, with the fact that there is no way for me to go to school yet, makes it feels like my life was getting more and more purposeless, senseless, pointless... therefore, i found myself a job, as a nasty waitress, in a malaysian restaurant, Nyonya Grill A Taste Of Malaysia. i've been working there close to a month now. from the short eriod of time, i've seen a lot of people, met a lot of people, talked to a lot of people and smiled hypocritically to a lot of strangers. though as much as i hate the idea of working, i love the idea of me making money. but working there is more like a pleasurable commitment and also to pass my time.

so, ya, i work. but whenever i don't, i will be cycling around, to the cinema to catch a movie, to the bookstore to read some stuff or i'll be jogging. but most of the time, i am here, staring at the computer screen, blogging, reading blogs, news and updates on Malaysia and of course, catching up with my friends. so thats pretty much my life so far, and coming. again, you may wonder why can't i go to school, well, thats a lil too boring and long a story to tell here. well.

AT WORK, i've learned somethings that i didn't know. well,of course.duh. met with so many kind of people there. especially my fellow waitresses there. most are from China studying here, one from Hong Kong, an engineer in an oil company but working part time as a waitress. those chinese speaks mandarin at a speed of lightning which makes it so hard for me to understand. therefore, initially sign language was our language of communication. but now, slowly but surely i am learning mandarin. and at work, there are also maxicans that work in the kitchen, and they are even worse because their knowledge in english is almost zero. but i am picking up espanyola pretty well.

FROM WORK, only i realise how proud it is to be a Malaysian. prouder than ever before. there was a question that i was asked by my fellow chinese colleagues, how come i am a Malaysian but i speak english. and besides that i can also speal hokkien, a lil of mandarin and also speak our native language? so whenever people talk to you in other language (that is not english) do you 'translate' it to english in order to understand? i SERIOUSLY had no idea how to explain it to her. moreover, in mandarin. because to us, we just understand it. is there any method that we understand so many languages? but to them, when a foreign language is used, then somehow they translate it to mandarin only then they absorb it.

FROM CUSTOMERS, quite a number knows Malaysia. one goes there often for business matters and has a girlfriend, in a nice way, girlfriend but truth is its a mistress and it was awkward how he had to tell me that he was already married because of a stupid question i asked. one was in Malaysia back in the 1970s. and one has blurred memories of Malaysia but most customers knows that Malaysia is near Singapore, not Singapore is somewhere near Malaysia, (damn it). once in awhile, i meet with Malaysians here and once in a long while, there are Malaysian Malays yang bertudung dan ada yang berbahasa Melayu.

FOOD, Malaysian food here is the best of available here. but certainly nothing compared to home. less authentic, less Malaysian quality and no Malaysian love. worst is my most favourite malaysian food - wantan mee kuan low, is the worst food on the menu here.

smkConvent, Taiping.

back when we were in school, in Convent, life was just school and nothing else. i don't know how other schools work, don't know what their culture are, but here in Convent, we practically live-eat-breathe school. maybe not for all but for most of us, yes, i think we do, without even realising. so to prove my theory, i've came up with a brief but detailed-enough analysis of what and how a typical year of Convent students go;

January - as soon as school reopens, straight away we are pressured by prefects and discipline teachers to clean up the class, wrap the tables and worse of all task, fill up the bulletin boards - every subject, every corner of the class. if not, denda. denda denda denda.

February - usually when all the action begins. 1. its starts with something called the 'mesyuarat rumah-rumah sukan'...the minute that meeting ends is the minute 99% of the students in Convent get caught up with business until the very second the head prefects shouts hip.hip.hooray to end the Sports Day. yes, latihan sukan, sukan tara, latihan kawad, latihan sorak, preparations for hias rumah, designing/runningtoboonbeng/collectingmoney/distributing tshirts. can't give a rest. no. cause it is deemed that you rest you die.
2. try-outs, practices for most sports starts as well in preparation for the district meet. berebut-rebut padang...berebut-rebut kawasan..imagine the scenario.

March - 1. the on-going practices for Sports day continues. now it gets more heated up as time ticks away and also with;
2. first term examintions creeping near.
3. sometimes, the co-academic activites starts their practices for the district level competitons. namely, debate, choir and drama, all which are EXPECTED to win. *sweats*
4. more and more practices for Sports Day. sometimes its as if the first-term is less important.

April - 1. finally Sports day, came and gone.
2. things get more realxed. students take a break from all the staying-backs.
3. most sports and co-academic activities practices still continue. more days, more hours now..

May - 1. mid-terms. its taken seriously because students tend to regret for all those don't-have-to-but-still-must-and-tend-to-want-to stay backs.
2. and in the midst of the students trying to be studying - seriously, its the peak event in Convent, Teacher's day. fact that applies in all events that place in Convent, it cannot be taken lightly. there are perforamances to worry about, decorations, banners, games, budgets...
3. after mid-terms, despite the results...practices starts again, this time for the next most major event after Hari Sukan - Hari Kokurikulum. kawat formasi-gadget-masakan-bola jaring-apa sahaja. rain or shine, doesnt seem to be a factor.

June - 1. finally end is the Hari Koku.
2. calls for Hari Anugerah. another event. rehersals. performance. decorations.
3. camps. rangers camp, puteri islam camp, day camps..jv,pp,krs.. name tags are the biggest headache.

July - mellow month. though there are those 'non-calendered' events like, kantin day, teacher's retirement, teacher's farewell...could be anytime, any month, anyday..

August - bulan Merdeka. meaning whole bulan occupied. with all kinda activities, scrapbook, poster, hias kelas, banner, choir, choral speaking, sketsa...which calls for more stay backs.

September - 1. end-of-year exams, trials, pmr?
2. no more major events.

October - 1. activiti selepas pmr. drama, choral speaking, netball.
2. aktiviti sebelum spm (???) haha.

November, December - holiday homework. is it correct when these two words are put together? because it contradicts one another. but ya, you get that in Convent.

all activities listed above involves excessive staying backs. its not that we want to do stay back excessively but its just the norm thing in Convent. it is also our nature to do so. the competitivenss that exist make us try and try so hard. thus we only strive for perfection and anything less than perfect is not good enough.

besides the point of staying back, as soon as we reach home, we rush to finish our (oh my god, a lot) homework. stay up all night just so that we do not get busted the next day. teachers in Convent think their students are superhumans. but somehow or another, i think we are. they give homework as if that is the only subject we have the whole day, but fact is, there is another 9 subjects. if not homework, its tuition.
so its, rush home from school to rush to tuition and come rushing home from tuition to finish homework and rushing it through to rush to sleep for a long tomorrow.

if not homework,
if not tuition,
there are little things like;
- writing reports. laporan kelab, laporan persatuan unit beruniform, laporan rumah sukan, laporan......
- gotong-royong, motivasi, ceramah, more ceramah, kelas tambahan - on saturdays.
- renewing papan kenyataan around school. once every 3 months or everytime guests are expected in school..

also Convent does not have many students, therefore most of them are reused and recycled. and i did not consider those events that sometimes goes unnoticed, like karnival bahasa tamil, sayembara, tarian tradisional, debate bahasa melayu, bersyarahan, berpuisi, public speaking, kuiz yang pelbagai..etc.

highhighhighhighhighhighhighhighhighhigh expectations to lift up to.

even our leisure times like talking on the phone with friends, are school orientated conversations, most of the time. i tried thinking for a moment in lives of Convent students which is free from school related issue, still fruitless. Convent really just leaves you with no time for other things but only itself.

a friend mentioned before that Convent 'built most of what she is today', well, i can't agree more with myself. i can't name a close friend that isn't from school.

and all this makes us so attach to out school. even after form5, its so difficult to be able to detach from it.

so that pretty much proves my theory, no? we actually survived.

cupacake sempurna tm.

kebahagiaan ini adalah satu kurniaan yang paling indah dan istimewa.

kebahagiaan ini bukan sekadar berasa gembira.

kebahagiaan yang dimaksudkan ini adalah satu perjalanan perasaan yang amat unik dan berbeza.

kepada kebanyakan orang, saya pasti, kebahagiaan ini bukan seperti yang dilalui oleh saya dan setahu saya, dua orang lagi iaitu kawanku yang memahami keistimewaan ini.

kebahagiaan dalam konteks kami penuh dengan emosi yang pelbagai;
..ada masa yang amat mensukacitakan hati, ada masa yang amat mendukacitakan,
..ada masa kami tidak pasti apa emosi yang sedang dilalui diri kami.
..tetapi itulah keunikannya.
..kerana jika tiada yang buruk, yang baik tidak akan dihargai, bukan?

Apabila kebahagiaan mendampingi diri kami, perasaan itu sememangnya tidak dapat dikatakan.

Apabila kebahagiaan ini memulaukan dirinya daripada kami untuk seketika, ia bagaikan sudah selamanya.

Apabila kebahagiaan ini melukakan hati, keperitan itu amatlah menajam, menikam ke dalam sanubari.
(walaupun saya tidak pernah mengalaminya, tetapi pemerhatianku terhadap kawanku sudah amat memadai.)

kebahagiaan ini, tidak mementingkan diri,

tidak mengira perbezaan,

tidak mengenal waktu dan jarak,

mengajar kami akan kesyukuran.

kebahagiaan ini diumpamakan dengan baraan api;
..ia memerlukan kesabaran dan keyakinan untuk menghidupkan api.
..sebaik saja api sudah dihidupkan,diberikan kayu supaya baraan api itu sentiasa ada.
..semakin banyak kayu, semakin besar baraan api.

kebahagiaan tidak mencari diri kami, ia hanya menunggu kami untuk menemuinya,
dan
kebahagiaan hany a menjadi milik mereka yang mempercayai akan kehadirannya
dan
walau betapa sengsaranya ia untuk menemui kebahagiaan ini, namun setiap rintangannya amatlah berbaloi.

kebahagiaan ini sungguh sempurna.
-------> hasillah, cupacakes sempurna tm.


tidak mengenal nestapa, tidak berdusta, hanya tulusnya hati, hanya indah hanya bahagia untuk selamanya.

-ketulusan hati, anuar zain.

guru Pitka.

mariska hargitay...

so here i am, just got back from my afternoon bicycle ride - to the cinema. this time to catch The Love Guru. well,like most movies i've watched, they are all stupid nonsense comedies. so goes with this. my overall review would be that, its funny but there are not many moments that you actually laugh out loud. it only makes you smile. somehow, i don't know why. but i would say that it is an inspiring movie, the guru, Guru Pitka has many good love advice, know. for example, if you have trouble with 'intimacy', meaning you have problems with, 'into-me-you-see.' haha. good one huh. from Guru Pitka, i also learned that the bible is

B - basic

I - instructions

B - before

L - leaving

E - earth

and guru means; (say it out loud)

Gee

yoU

aRe

yoU

he also wrote several books, namely, 'IF YOU THINK YOU ARE HAPPY, THINK AGAIN', well, this is one that i remember because its hell, no, i will never read this book. funniest part i think is the Guru Pitka's guru, who is not blind butonly seriously cross-eyed. oh ya, and the leading actress is jessica alba, and dang, her character's name is jane. oh and justin timberlake is also part of the cast. he was not bad.

so all in all, my $7.25 was worth it. no regrets, though wished there were just more laughing out loud moments. but i bet that it would be a whole lot more fun watching with my wacko jacko fwends.

watch the Guru Pitka in action, people.

oh tanah airku.

what is actually happening to Malaysia?

i know but i don't think i know quite enough to know yet will i ever know enough? even when i am back home i rarely read the newspaper, catch up with the current events or what not but this 'Malaysian issue', which i don't even know what the core is, is already catching up with me here. and i become so interested in knowing more but hell i can't. so i find answers in this website called malaysiakini.com, news and views that matters, there are so much issues there, political issues. ok, so i guess all this havoc and mayhem in the politics in Malaysia is causing all the mess in Malaysia, what the hell, i don't even know. is this issue common? all this political battle has been there all along that i was too ignorant to even notice or did it only start after the 12th general election?

all i know lately was that the price of fuel went up and thus causing prices of food and many everyday essentials to increase too and consequently cost of living increases but yet income remains stagnant. anyway, from malaysiakini.com, there are so many interesting issues, spreading awareness in the general public in how Malaysia is turning into under the current government, so many columns, articles, so many letters, videos...(btw i love to watch anwar talk.) as shallow as i am right now, i know Malaysia is not in good hands, so is there a tiny possibility that the government will change?

all this is so confusing. maybe i am just not fit to understand all this. but hey, i love Malaysia. its not Malaysia's fault that its so fucked up. well, i just hope that Malaysia will somehow be able to turn around and be better. Malaysia is such a beautiful little country that it would be so bitter if one day the country goes down the slump. i truly hope Malaysia will not fall any deeper.

because to me there is no other place to call home once you've experienced and live the Malaysian life. i may not have seen the world yet, but i am sure of that.

do visit malaysiakini.com, people.

tetapi kini tiada.

selamat petang, Malaysia.

sinar matahari memancarkan cahayanya,

pada muka bumi Malaysia,

pada hari yang istimewa ini.

kalendarku menandakan 22.Jun.

hari ini penuh senyuman,

penuh dengan sukacita di hati,

kegembiraan digandakan,

kedukaan diganti.

hari ini,

ku dapat menatap wajahnya,

hari ini,

ku dapat mengucapnya.

tetapi kini tiada.

sempurna.

"kau begitu sempurna,
di mataku kau begitu indah,
kau membuat diriku akan selalu memujamu,
disetiap langkahku ku kan selalu memikirkan dirimu..."
gita gutawa, sempurna

a friend introduced me to this song. at first when i heard it, i was, 'wow, this is slower than any slow songs i've ever heard.' but the singer's voice is fairly nice, somewhat soothing for this song. after a couple of times repeating the song, it became so addictive. captivating lyrics and melody.

'...kau genggam tanganku, saat diriku saatku lemah dan terjatuh, kau bisikan kata dan hapuskan sesalku...'

'...biarlah ku bertanya,
pada bintang-bintang,
tentang arti kita,
dalam mimpi yang sempurna...'
peter pan, mimpi yang sempurna

alangkah baiknya jika bintang-bintang di langit boleh berkata-kata. boleh menjawab soal kita. dan bilakah akan ku bermimpikan mimpi yang sesempurna ini?

'mungkinkah bila ku bertanya pada bintang-bintang, dan bila ku mula mearasa bahasa kesunyian...'

it keeps playing in my head.

sing out loud,people.

being on the streets.

its 15minutes to 1am. and out of boredom and the inability to sleep early, i grabbed my keys, walked out the door. and figured, lets not just stand here and stare at the moon. so i cycled. cycled around the neighbourhood. i went to the post box to check if there is any mail, took the keys out to try to open those mail boxes to stupidly realise, i don't know which one belongs to the home address. as i was working the keys, the sound of the keys hitting each other was as if so loud, in the silent night on an empty street. i was so scared that a dog might bark at me and wake everyone up, but guess there are no stray dogs here. then i cycled to the park/playground just around the corner and was thinking of going on the swing to feel the night breeze brush again my face but there was no light, it was pitch black. so being ejane, i quickly cycled away.

it was rather spooky but it did remind me of my driving days when i used to drive around late at night...
to compare between cycling and driving, i guess they both have its weaknesse.
one, being in a car gives you a sense of security but driving a car has many empty spaces for uninvited guests to ride along with you. cycling has only one space and one space only but it is very exposed.
second, driving in a car, you always tend to look at the rear view mirror which you actually don't have to since there isn't any cars anyway at the wee hours of the morning or at midnight. cycling, you rarely look back, why would you? thus... whatever that is behind you, is behind you.

there was once, i drive out to my friends place to take something really important (concerns netball), since it was important, i took the risk of driving out at 5minutes to midnight on my birthday. i drove out without any fear, singing along with the songs playing on the cd and i was so distracted that i even drive through red light without even realising i did that until i reached home. i even used the tupai indusrty road, which is very deserted. but when i was driving home from my friends, i almost died..of fear.

then there is one time when i was fetching my brother for his swimming lesson at 520am, since it was my first time ever to drive the streets of taiping so early in the morning, i decided to explore taiping a lil more. taking long cuts and finally when i was driving home, i used the route in lake gardens and taking the long way instead of the short one, near the seratas asrama, where the tragic car accident happened, i regretted greatly, i was trembling. wished i could just close my eyes and reach home. it was dark and the fact that a tragic car accident took place there really killed me. and to make matters worst, i was the only car there. and the lamp post there was not turned on. but at least i learned my lesson.

and one of the worse time is this one time when i stayed back at my friends house until late midnight. though her house was just barely 2km away but the 2km was as if the longest distance i've ever driven on. i don't know what triggered that funk in me but i wanted to blast some music but somehow the loud noise was scaring me. but when i offed the noise, it was so silent...so silent...i can only hear the beating of my heart and me breathing..i am glad i didn't hear any inhalation and exhalation behind my neck. if not i would surely run and leave the car behind. and as i waited for my gate to open, it was a forever process.

so i guess its a good thing that we do not have eyes at the back of our heads. if we did, mine would be shut most of my life.

don't look back, people.

movies on my list.

today, marked the 13th of june 2008 on my angel images calender indicate that i had been away from home for a month now. i made it out, alive. away from taiping, the food, the life, my friends, my car, my house, my spongebobs, my grandparents, my bro (eer?), squash, purpley clouds, my e.v.e.r.y.thing. days come and go so quickly but the hours and minutes passes so slow, tick after tock. making it for a month without all that was not easy and will not be but i hope things get better.

in this period of time, what can i be doing? i do still jog at least 3 times a week, and now that i don't own a license, i cycle to everywhere i go. most of the time, to the cinema, oh, yesssss. with this i would like to say that i hit a record of 22 movies watched in a month. it may not be an astonishing record or what not but its indeed my personal best. some of the movies i watched here are some of the best and i hope that after i share them with you, you will be able to watch them, i assure you that you will have no regrets.

here is the list,
1. Over her Dead Body (humour by eva longoria, worth your time if you have a lot of it.)
2. License to Wed (another comedic movie by robbie williams. ok. almost similar to no.1,if you like this you would like no.1.)
3. The Forbidden Kingdom (jackie chan and jet li, and the guy from sky high, should pretty mcuh know what to expect, right?)
4. Into the Wild (watch it. enough said. main actor is also the main actor in the recent movie, speed racer.)
5. Spongebobsquarepantis Atlantis (haha)
6. Charlie Wilson's War (i watched it because of julia roberts. but i don't know what was going on most of the time.)
7. Kung Fu Panda (nice enough.)
8. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guatanamo Bay (comedy comedy comedy. but unfortunately its rated R, meaning its only for those 18 and above.)
9. Don't Mess with Zohan (sama sama saja seperti yang di atas but at least i think this is PG-13. how can a movie be not comedic wtih adam sandler?)
10. Guy X (funny storyline.emm.)
11. The Kite Runner (its also a book, i think i saw it in Popular bookstore in Taiping. its a good worth watching touching movie.yes. though if you prefer the slow process than the quick one, its better to read the book as it is more explicit and detailed in the book.)
12. Mr.Woodcock (a comedy but not funny enough for me, somehow)
13. Jam (stupid movie that wasted my time. shit)
14. Juno (popular movie. don't see why you should not watch it)
15. What Happens In Vegas (cameron diaz and hotty ashton. yea. catch it if you can.)
16. S.W.A.T (collin ferrel. nice sajala. but its a really old movie.)
17. Who Am I? (this movie is older than your dog. its jackie chan though, if you are a fan)
18. Panic Room (this is a good movie. this time was my third time watching it. still good everytime.)
19. Ratatouille (first time i watched it i thought it was pretty boring, this time, i watched it twice, back to back and i find it good. good cartoon.)
20. A Beautiful Mind (errr...)
21. Flawless (worth watching. staring demi moore and michael caine, suspense..somewhat)
22. Harriet The Spy (this is my all-time favourite movie eversince. i manage to grab hold of the VCR version for 99cents. its an old nickelodeon production, stars michelle trachtenberg, that was when she was only about 11, now she is Dawn Summers in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, ya, thats how old this movie is)

so many movies watched is all because there is a vending machine kinda machine here that vends movies for only $1 per movie and also fact that there is a cinema just behind where i live and its a cycle-able distance. anyway, some are really old movies and some are rather new some are the newest. those in bold is a should watch. but Into The Wild is a must watch. its just a really good movie. movies movies and more movies.

sit back and relax, people.
popcorns anyone? with extra caramel...

happiness, ya, of course.

have you ever thought what happiness is all about? if ten people were asked what their definition about happiness is, i am sure all ten are different. well, for me, i really don't know what happiness is. maybe for now, my happiness is freedom and days that i don't get shouted at. but come on, happiness could just be a phantom, just a word to play tricks to our mind and our feelings. but yet, maybe it could be like what the article i read from Reader's Digest, the June 1989 edition said.

from the article, "...if you think people living in glamorous, fun-filled place are more happier than others. if so, you have some mistaken ideas of the nature of happiness..." but truth is "...fun and happiness have little or nothing in common. FUN is what we experience, HAPPINESS is what we experience after an act. it is deper and more abiding emotion." so it says in the article. i would have to agree at some part to some extend but i will put it this way instead, if there isn't any happiness, there isn't any fun, when there is happiness, fun comes automatically. fun can't exist without happiness, no?

and i quote again, " if fun and pleasure are equated with happiness, then pain must be equated to unhappiness. but in fact, the opposite is true, more times than not, things that lead to happiness involve some pain. " i agree more than i disagree. in some cases, if there is no pain, we can never find the true happiness within.

happiness doesn't find us, do they? but there is so many ways we can find happiness and what we see in happiness. though fact is, no expensive cars, no glamorous parties, fancier home, luxurious vacations can bring you happiness but what if that is what you see in happiness?

i'd be fine with contentment if i don't find happiness. maybe being content is keeping me happy.

but when i read the meaning of happiness through andrew matthews (the author happiness now, no.1 best seller and published in 33 languages) it a whole different thing. i am rather confused now.

but i live by this quote, "kebahagiaan dan kekecewaan adalah lumrah hidup. andainya kebahagiaan menjadi milikmu, bersyukurlah. seandainya kekecewaan mendampingi hidupmu, usahlah berputus asa." good enough, why complication when there is simplification.

be happy, people.