Tuesday, October 27, 2009

uncontrolled lust

i write i must
to fulfill my lust
my lust to find words that rhyme.
the writings i write
may not mean right
because its only for sight.
xx

everyday I sit and I stare,
as I swing against the summer breeze,
into the cloud and into the flare,
taking a moment to finally breathe.

thoughts make a mess,
into my head they ingress,
puzzling, confusing, as can be,
one thing is clear to me -
it is you I miss.

when winter nears,
and leaves disappear,
neither the cold nor wind,
could blow you off my mind.
its like you are here, tight and bind.

I know, I truly know,
I stand alone in the cold.
with nothing but a broken sock.
because I hold on to that thought,
only to never be missed back.

but here I am, higher and higher I swing,
deeper and deeper I fall in esthetic,
the blank spiral of self empathy,
trying not to be dramatic,
only trying to express this feeling.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Rindu

rindu ini tidak pernah padam,
selama saya bisa bernafas,
perasaan ini akan dipendam,
dalam hati tanpa batas.

rindu kian puncak,
pada tanggal saya bakal pergi,
didatangi halangan yang banyak,
perasaan pedih datang menemani.

dalam diam, saya bertanya,
adakah ini takdir tuhan?
haruskah saya terima
yang semua ini adalah pilihan?

waktu ke waktu,
dalam sabar, saya menunggu,
dalam sayu,
masih dipegang bunga matahari yang layu.

bila malam menjelang,
dibiarkan dalam kebingungan,
kesedihan bertakung,
air mata terbeku dalam keraguan.

rindu membawa senyuman manis,
kerana ia bukti belaian kasih,
seperti pemandangan riang dilukis,
pada kertas putih yang bersih.

tetapi merindu bukan sepenuhnya sempurna,
ada juga suka dan duka,
seperti di taman bunga yang berwarna-warni,
tetapi bunga penuh berduri-duri.

kisah rindu saya berakhir di sini,
pada pagi saya bertolak pergi,
hanya suara yang dapat didengari,
rindu yang terpaksa disimpan selama setahun lagi.

yang sebenar-benarnya adalah kebetulan,
tidak dapat ditolak, dielak,
mungkin ini satu ujian,
menjadikan pertemuan lebih istimewa kelak.

xx



(note to ezen: inilah hasil daripada perbualan kita.)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

i write no reason.

ATTACHMENT. is my problem. and when attachment is a problem, DETACHMENT makes it another problem.

"The moment you get too attached to things, people, money... you screw it up."

"The challenge of life is to appreaciate everything and attach yourself to nothing."

Andrew Matthews, "Happiness in a Nutshell". page 10.

i don't know to what extend do i agree with Matthews, the happiness expert, on the first quote. but i have to agree that it is indeed a challenge to not attach myself to things/people.

though, i guess Mattews quote applies generally on people, tending to screw up something they are overly attached to. but i think that a great attachment would instead screw you up when even the slightest change takes place. and with that said, accustoming to a certain change and to have acceptance of that change makes another challenge.

and to have acceptance to change is to have openess for new things.

and all are actually impossibilities. i am no James Bond, nor Tom Cruise.

does no attachment make you appreciate things as much as attachment, or less or more? what are the indication of no attachment?

is attachment being able to let go of things just by a snap of a finger? because that is what i cannot do. letting go of things/people/past with a snap of a finger. or in fact a thousand snaps of a finger.

no attachment is suppose to bring more happiness. i say that is myth. because in every false there could be truth.

so what the hell. what did i accomplish in this post? nothing but a self-satisfying logical falacy.

i want to not feel the dilemma of attachment but not willing to accept no attachment.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

uncensored and uncut, uneditted.


suatu hari di kelas 5Sc1, dalam tahun 2007.

hari yang cerah. sudah kian mendekati loceng tamat sekolah. guru-guru sibuk dengan agenda sendiri - mesyuarat dan mesyuarat lagi. anak-anak murid tidak terduduk diam, di mana ada kerusi, di situ tiada punggung. dan kelas hari ini kehilangan seorang yang penting...

semua ini membawa kepada hasil contengan di papan putih. berikut adalah apa yang tercatat:

xxx
Dialog hari ini...

orange: eh, kenapa masubing tiada di kelas hari ini?

blue: kawan karib saya masih x putus asa untuk lulus dalam lesen tu. tapi saya masih ragu2.

orange: awak ada mendoakan kejayaannya dalam mencipta rekod 4 kali fail tak?

red: saya x seburuk orange. saya berdoa agar dia lulus juga suatu hari nanti. agaknya, berapa % kegagalan pada kali ini?

orange: maths saya memang tak baik tapi dengan maths-yg-bodoh brains, saya dapat calculate yg % kegagalan > % kelulusan. btw, red, ya la, awak doa kat tuhan apa? tiada tuhan yang boleh menolongnya. dan tiada tuhan yang boleh mengampun kebodohan memandunya.

blue: saya setuju dengan orange. saya bangga dengan pencapaian kegagalannya setakat ini, tapi saya yakin dia akan gagal lagi. jadi saya lebih bangga. red doakan apa?

red: saya doakan supaya esok masubing datang ke sekolah dengan senyuman.

green: teruknya. tapi saya suka dan saya rasa punca kegagalan masubing kerana dia suka sambil TB sambil pandu kereta.

orange: haha...anda pembaca semua tahu apa itu TB? kalau tak tahu tidak mengapa. tetapi salah satu faktor besarnya, masubing suka akan tabiat itu...jadi blue, anda sebagai kawan karibnya tolonglah masubing buang tabiat TBnya yang buruk itu.

blue: ala, orange. biarkanlah dia dengan tabiat TBnya itu. saya tak mahu mengubah dirinya yang sebenar.

orange: tukar bagi kebaikannya. untuk pass ujian memandu je. selepas itu, biarkanlah dia TB. saya suka bila dia TB, saya akan dapat tengok dan gelak.

xxx
copyright reserved.

segalanya yang telah dikonversi telah disokong oleh para rakan, dengan kehadiran tanda-tanda tangan yang ternampak di gambar.

kejadian itu juga telah mengambil tempat 56 hari sebelum percubaan SPM '07. jadi bolehlah anda sekalian membayangkan keriuh-rendahan yang mampu berlaku.

sehabis itu, muncullah si dia yang hilang dari kelas. kami memandang antara satu sama lain, diam, terpegun menanti berita dari si dia. sementara si penakut sedang sibuk memadam papan. diam di luar, tetapi saya tahu, dalam lubuk hati setiap orang di kelas ada terfikir tentang catatan di atas papan tadi..

dan beritanya........................................................................

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Snow Patrol.

two days and i can still feel the every beat of my heart pulsating to the beat of the drums. the electrical vibe with every plug of the guitar. and the deafening good music booming against the eardrum.

small stage, front line.

but alone.

did not bothered taking a camera along, as i planned to just enjoy the show. had other people to do the job. the above video, titled, "The Lightning Strike" from their A Hundred Million Suns album.

Gary Lightbody, the lead vocalist, thanked Austin, TX for coming out that evening instead of Houston, TX. bum. but he made it up with back to back incredible songs, "Make This Go On Forever" and "Run", while apologizing. followed by "Chasing Cars". he then got the crowd participating in "Shut Your Eyes".

check out "make this go on forever snow patrol" video in the related link to see Lightbody in his act. and how he called himself a dickhead.

The Plain White Ts were their opening act. they were pretty good, just that i did not know any of their songs, except "Hey There Delilah" and "1234" which were both performed. But "Sunlight" was the best.

it was tiring. had to stand from 630-7 for the doors to open. 7-8 for the show to start. and 8-1030 for the show to finally end. standing was not the major tiring part, it was waiting alone that was tiring.

at the back of me i had two indian girls verbal fighting with a white boy over the word, 'genitalia' and in front of me i had two women kissing everytime their favourite songs were playing.

check out the videos. but of course, the videos uphold no justice for the actual performance.

so people, if Snow Patrol come crusing in the town near to you, do not miss them.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

a sudden urge to rhyme.

Pelangi cantik berwarna-warni,
di belakangi langit dan awan berkelihatan mati.
walau di luar semuanya nampak berseri,
tapi pandangan matamu ternyata ada perit di hati.


siapa saya untuk menasihati,
apakah daya saya untuk mengubati?
yang pasti,
saya akan sentiasa berada di sisi.


Dalam berjuta-juta kata,
hanya akan saya bertuturkan bahagia.

hati tidak pernah terlupa,
kepada beliau yang membawa citra.

tangan yang memegang bunga matahari,
mungkin tidak akan abadi,
ingatannya mungkin setakat begini,
tetapi saya bersyukur dengan segala yang pernah saya miliki.

kesempurnaan yang hadir tanpa disedari,
terduduknya di atas kerusi,
hari demi hari,
menjadi lain erti.

Lautan bergelora nun biru,
destinasi kini menjadi bisu,
terjauh pandangan bertukar rindu,
fikiran sentiasa bercelaru.

Tidak terbaca situasi selepas bertahun-tahun,
moga masih wujud walaupun sudah berkurun-kurun.

Ini anugerah teristimewa,
dengan ia saya dilemas bahagia.

xx