pissing + shitting lessons.

prior to leaving Malaysia, i saved/received a lot of money, ang pau to wish me a safe journey here. and i thought to myself then,..man this is a lot of money but dang, i have no time to spend it. its no fun keeping it as i cannot spend it anyhow. so anyway, i wanted to spent it to get some good books. there was this one book that i spotted long ago but was too poor to get it, because it is expensive, for the size and content, it is expensive. but since now that i had excess money i don't know what to spend it on, i decided to get it.

the title of the book is 'the joy of pissing' by Professor Jimmy Riddle. i read the synopsis at the back of the book and it interests me right away. this is what is says...

you are probably wondering how much more you need to know about pissing beyond pointing and flushing. you are probably asking why you should receive any further training for what is after breathing and eating, the next natural reflex. like reading, once you've learnt, what more do you need to know?

Professor Jimmy Riddle pisses at least eleven times a day. he drinks a pint of water every hour to enable himself to do so. the joy of pissing celebrates our experience as a persistently urinating species and aims to alter people's urinating habits from something they simply allow to happen to something they actively participate in.

all aspects of urianting are covered by this book, from advanced skills, i.e. how women pee standing up, to extra curricular skills such as, 'how to piss off a bicycle' and lessons on how to know if you are using the toilet designed for a man or woman (there is a big difference you know!). there are plenty of hilarious anecdotal stories, an entire setion dedicated to 'the healing qualities of piss' and the most comprehensive amagamation of the usage of the word 'piss' in the english language.

wouldn't you be interested to know what this book has to offer? well, as for me, i cannot wait to learn the art of professional pissing. though answering nature's call isn't my favourite pass time. but unfortunately for me, the book covered all aspects of men's pissing ways. and only about 10 pages covered women but not as detailed because Professor Jimmy Riddle's student would not give him the details.

so, let me share a passage with all you female pissers out there. since that women's master of pissing is not prefected by Professor Jimmy himself, therefore, there is no guided manual to how to master the art of what i am about to share. but this is just to let you all know that, it is possible to perform this amazing feat.

this passage concerns about how ladies pee and pooh without getting heard. accoridng to the book, many women muffle splash sounds by employing the papaer aided method; stuffing the bowl with loo roll before tinkling. but this is not considered as a skill and this wastes precious pooh paper. therefore, the book do not recommend this practice.

the REAL skill is in the sitting position.

• sit close to to the front of the bowl, so the pee does not go anywhere near the puddle of water.

(if you are not comfortable doing so...)

• propel and aim you piss with the use of certain muscle gruop somewhere on the ground floor of the department store. (details was not given as the source for this information would not elaborate..)

if you are a natural in the art of pissing, you can also consider this skill of shitting that was mastered by the professor's student..

she would flush the cistern before the stool could hit the water's surface to avoid th dreaded undignified sound. she also had a swift hand and would have wiped the bum and miraculously disposed of the paper before the flush had finished.

the professor calls this a 'one-shit wonders'. but you are warned, if you want to try this feat, you will first have to know how much was to be crapped, then calculate the speed of the crap by taking in consideration of the height about the water and the gravitational pull, then you would need to accurately assume how fast the flush would fall and how long it would last, in order to wipe your bum well and dispose during the final stages of the flush.

i personally warn you dare-devils to do the math with your calculator. especially if you know that a bad diarrhoea is on its way. if not, i would not want to even imagine the mess when the diarhoea meet the flushing water and a tornado forms...fuh.

thats all the lesson for this session. =)