911, I need my friends back!

Hello there one more time.
Yesterday, when I decided that blogging might be another way to pass my time, I was briefly reading through Jenn's blog (it felt like a brief read because most of her posts are one sentence post, lets you create your own thoughts, haha), anyway, I came to one that she had wrote last year, few days before 2012, toasting the year-end to our great friendship among our friends. She started the post by mentioning how VERY different we all are, in terms of character, personality, genetically, etc. Indeed, I cannot agree more. Which had made me think, what would all of us be like, if we weren't friends with each other; to not have all the opposites of one another to keep a balance in our extremities (but I'd also say that because we are friends with each other, our extremities goes out of balance sometimes, because our friends really accept for what a whack we are, or I am).

First up -

Jennifer. I've mentioned this again and again many times. If Jenn, not for all the loud and obnoxious us she have around her, she'd be one hell of a nerdy, long girl playing chest by the corner of the classroom. Probably like the tall skinny version of Ugly Betty, ya, no? Trust me. She could have had a great career playing badminton and chest, instead of netball. I bet if she had not fallen in love with us, she would have all the same looking friends surrounding her now; reading novels in Lake Garden while she plays her guitar, they talk about serious stuffs, and plan their future way head ahead. I am so tempted to mention names of some people that would have ended up her friends, but it is really not nice to mention names. Haha. Let me know if you disagree.

Tan Mizen. There is clearly no denying, if it wasn't for us, I wouldn't say cool, at all, haha, people, this is what will be of Tan Mizen, let the picture say it all -

We definitely made a very helpful influence on her. Hahaha. Oh my, the photo really cracks me up. (: Her and all her lala friends. Drawing anime, wearing funky florescent clothes!!! 

Cheah. It is krazy how I'd imagine her to be in it weren't for us. I bet no one sees it coming. I totally see her as this neighbourhood gangsta lovin'. The one that if she'd walk out of the house, she'd think that everyone would pause a breath. She'd probably be a good friend of Mizen; like you know how lala girls always have this one or two awkward gangsta looking female friends. Hahahaha. 

Beh Shuh Pyng. She would be the most indifferent style you'd see. Still being driven around by her mother. A total badass that is still driven by the father. Don't get me wrong, she turns out to be quite a badass, but sure enough, our undying support and encouragement had let her retain her badassness WITH a driver's license. *wink*. Yes? She would totally be fit to be a child bully, you know, bullying those kids who come by to her restaurant. Asking them for more money than what they bought. Totally. Nasty-ass.

Tan Ezen. For her part, if it wasn't for us to help keep her youthfulness, to have friends who feed her krazy side, doing things she'd never imagined she'd ever do at her age. If not for us, Ezen -

Cheng Txin. Continues to be like the person I first saw her on the first day of class in 1K1. I wish I have a picture of that one! Eating popcorns while teaching her tuition classes. 

I am not going to try to mention everyone here because I don't think I want to hurt so many people's feelings with my honest opinion. Also, I don't want to end up having a nightmare of all my friends being who I wrote them to be.

But though, my friends absolutely and definitely kept my insanity in control and my sanity in check. No words can come close to describe how our different persons has touch the lives of one another, how we learnt from each other's views, opinions and practices. How much I learnt of love through the sincerity of my friends. I am forever thankful, for how much they tolerate my nonsense - this post for example. If I had bitchy people for friends, I bet this blog post would be a break up post. Haha. 

Without Jennifer, I'd never be able to learn how delicious a pineapple tart can be. 

Without Tan Mizen, I'd never be able to learn that mushroom can be a hairstyle.

Without Cheah, I'd never be able to experience not sleeping for more than 24 hours and going hiking the morning after. 

Without Beh Shuh Pyng, I'd never have met someone who had to take driving license for record breaking times and never would have been able to taste the best wantan mee in the world!

Without Tan Ezen, I'd not have someone who'd be able to entertain me about kebahagiaan 24/7.

Without Cheng Txin, I'd never have been able to ride on a motorcycle racing a car!

I love you all. 

And I hope everyone had had a wonderful iced coffee day. 

Change is what good.

Ah wow. Wow. I am here because I am bored to my core, my deepest deepest core of desperation. At the same time, being bored means having no one to talk to about my philosophical ways of thoughts. Logging in to this blog, so much has changed, it literally took me more than a minute to find my way to my main page. I remember those days when I used to read blogs a whole lot, always very entertained by fellow friend, Ily, always wacky; and always urging on my friends to update their blog so I'd have something to read - so much has changed since.

This is one sad pathetic Jane writing the words to this blog. I hate to say, you know, I know, we all know, this is one suckiest summer feeding to my suicidal self. The highest point of sadness and sorrow lies in this summer, something that may haunt me for quite awhile; but I would be wrong to not say that it did trail with a deem of joy.

For this sacrifice I took to let go this summer for home, it came with the biggest price ever. It did not slip my mind initially when I said to myself, maybe, maybe, I'd survive this summer drought - sure enough, life is a gamble, it is a risk-taking s.o.b. And because it is me, because it is me, life sure smack me in the face just when I allowed myself to take the gamble. Life is not fair. Losing my granma was immense; to feel the feel of true anger, frustration and so much anger, towards myself, towards them - who will never understand me.

I was doing some dishes just right before I came stumbling to write a blog. Looking out the window as I was scrubbing them dishes, I had thought about the impossibilities of how people always say that, one chapter is closed and another opens, I don't think life works that way. Chapters of life does not open and close, at least not easy, not at all. I picture my life, in the final ending, I have chapters and chapters left wide open; even if I had moved to live on the 29th chapter, 28 chapters would be opened. If one is open and one is closed, how do we ever get rich in our lives? We need every chapter we ever gained, and that's how ones life would be enriched - with all the beautiful people - my awesome friends with uncanny niceness and tolerance for me. I miss you all.

As for me, I am gonna take my time to open new chapters, I am well and fine living off the old ones. Like this quote, I've taken as one of my life's motto, "there's no need to rush, we're all just waiting, waiting to die" from City and Color's "Waiting".

You all have a great coffee day. 

...

People still come to visit this blog, really? Thats very nice of youl. I'm gonna try to be more entertaining than this. Cheerios and marios.

Have a nice day. 

:)

It sometimes easy, at times so difficult, to hide vulnerableness.

I am, on the outside and inside, a joyful soul. When I laugh, I laugh my hardest, that is the only way to go for me. Laughter is by far the best of everything; the best entertainer, the best medicine, the best mask, the best way to shed a tear, the best way to put a smile on a crying face. :( 

If I have the power to laugh, and make the others around me laugh, then why don't I share it? If I have plenty of joy to share, then why not? Laughing alone is equals to not laughing at all. And laughing with your best of friends beats winning a lottery.

But if only sorrow and sadness, and faaking pek chekness are as easily shared as laughter, then I guess life would be a tinsy bit better. It is suffocating.

Ask me how I was yesterday; I'd tell you I was fine. Ask me how I am today; I will always be fine. But know that I am sometimes lying to you.

"Pai Seh nia", said Jenn.

I am not in a farny mood to write humor, I want to try to get this ugly fugly thoughts out of my head, but I cannot. But why bising so banyak, because in the end, I always end up writing something stupid, that tries to be farny, but this time, I am typing with a face quite straight.

Today was quite a day. I think I managed to pull my friends (not yet all of them) to the almost-ultimate-embarassment.

Cheah, Tee Xin and myself slept over at Jennifer's.

Cheah was already complaining that she was very sleepy since 12am. @1am, she was still saying that she was sleepy. @2am, still complaining. @3am, she says she wants to sleep already. @3:30am, she jemput us to sleep with her. @4am, she complained that her eyes were really heavy. and she wants to sleep. @4:30am, she was in the kitchen washing eggs. @5am, she was eating maggi curry with egg. @6am, lying down on the bed, she was. said that she has to sleep even for a bit, because apparently, she has been awake since 8am, the previous sunrise.

Jennifer? @12:15am: "wah, very hot ah my house". @12:30am: "omggggg, so hot. so hip. you all not hot one meh?" @1.00am: "so hot." @2am: "we just sleep on the floor la. more shi fook." @3am: "yo, hot lo." (fidgeting like a lizard drying up) @4am: walking about the house. @4.30am: cooking maggi curry for a crowd. @5am: eating maggi curry with egg (with egg SHELLS WASHED) @5.30am: "omg, its so hot, eyer, Jane, I see with the blanket, I hot for you. So hot I cannot sleep, I think this is one of the factor that I cannot sleep at night". @5:45am: "I think I cannot sleep already la". @6am: -sda- 
(Jennifer ini memang perasan habis, nak berlagak badan langsing, ghairah tak pasal-pasal, yang semalaman menjerit yang dirinya hot.)

Tee Xin; @12:00am: pretend to read newspaper. @1:00am: staring at me and Cheah. @2:00am: pretending to take picture of us lying down on the floor. must be some keng kuai there. @3:00am: mabuk tidur. @4:00am: mabuk tidur. @4.30am: tyring to open the rempah packet for maggi curry. poor effort. @5:00am: eating maggi curry. @5.30am: falling in and out of sleep. (because Cheah keep kacauing her). @6:00am: fully loaded on pigciation.

@11:00am; after a very tireless effort to wake Cheah and Jennifer up, they finally surrendered to my consistency. after breakfast, after the morning gossip, I had decided for everyone that we were going to go out for a karaoke session as we were, meaning, as what we wore to sleep the last night, and as how we looked. Jennifer attempted a few times to change, but we guarded her well. But I fell nose down doing so. Pain.

@4:30pm; we finished our karaoke session, in our pajamas and we were hungewwwy! Also because, another friend, Aurora Lim, aka Siew Yong complained that she needed to eat right away, so we went to Taiping Sentral for McDonalds. :) Cheah walked about Sentral bare footed. Oh, the public attention.

And thanks to Jennifer, she had to wear a Convent tshirt, with a BIG BUTT Convent logo on it.

No photos. But I will have it.

Okla.

my kind of farny

last night, a bunch of Malaysians got together to have a barbeque dinner. no porks, just chikins; no alcohol, just coca-cola. as we sat, to eat, and to talk about the tiring week we had, it slowly got too boring. we had to crack something up.

characters: Hani, Zuhrah (the girl that tries to maintain her lady elegance, but fails at times), Jell, Jane (you know best), Tearus, Darick and Ezriq (the almighty blur one).

Jell decided so tell  us a joke her brada shared with her a few days ago;

Jell: so there is this boob competition...
Ezriq: what what competition?
Jell: boob.
Ezriq: huh?
Zuhrah: (all impatient and all) TEK TEK!! TEK TEK tahu tak??
Jane: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsnortsnortBAHAHAHAHAHAHsnort!!!
Hani, Jell, Tearus, Darick, Ezriq: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Ezriq: tahu tahu tahu..(penuh insaf)
*background, Jane was still laughing uncontrollably*
Zuhrah: (noticing that it came out a lil bit too kasar) ehem, ehem. ok ok. i take it back. i tarik balik.
Jell: ....payudara...
*Jane burst out laughing again* [no seriously, its been a while, since i've heard of payudara]
Zuhrah: ok Jane ok. breathe in breathe out..
Jell: ok. so there is this tektek competition, boobs competition la..whatever.competition for the biggest boobs. so when they announce, "pemenang tempat ketiga...sizenya sebesar papaya..." and "pemenang tempat kedua sizenya sebesar tembikai, and then finally.."pemenang tempat pertama...sizenya sebesar oren.."
*everyone huh*
Jell: ....tapi itu hanya size putingnya...
*everyone burst out in tears*

next is a racist joke, but we took precautions since we were outside, laughing so publicly, therefore we told it in BM, which i thought was even funnier..

"ada seorang lelaki hitam dilanggar kereta mati. jadi dia pun tumbuhlah sayap, seperti malaikat, dan lalu ke syurga..setibanya di syurga, dengan penuh kegembiraan, dia bertembung dengan tuhan, katanya kepada tuhan, "sinilah saya, sebagai malaikat..", dan tuhan pun berkata kepadanya, "awak bukan malaikat la, awak adalah seekor kelawar, pergilah!"

asian - chinese joke;

"do you know how chinese people name their children? - they take their kitchen utensils and throw them down the stair. and thats how you get, ping pong piang, cling clong cliang, cheng hui san, beng su ping.."

probably all this is only farny to me. haha. oh well.

restroom sense.

(blow, pooofff, poooofffff, this dusty old heck.)

I am writing this as a very pathetic birthday present (or actually a motivational excuse to update my blog) for Jennifer. She said that she had been reading my blog again and again, 185 posts, until she had memorized them, how greatly exaggerated, but I'll buy it. I am sure I've lost all my readers, but hey, lets start all over again. Alright. What I am about to write is something that I've had in my head a long long time. In fact, I think about writing it almost everyday, at least, one time a day. Haha. You'll know.

So, people, what do you do, besides releasing your waste, while in the restroom? Maybe this only relates to the girls, because boys usually don't sit, unless there is a major project (or if you are gay). Well, I don't know about you all girls, but I do many observations, and I have some experiences to share; life learning lessons to share.

Firstly, whenever you go to the public restrooms, choose the cubicle without the flouresant light shining right over it. Seriously, that is very important, because the cubicles with lights shining right over, cast the darkest shadow, ehem, hence, ehem, whatever that you do, and or have, I don't know, you know, can be seen clearly by the person beside you (who is gonna be me). And notice, public restrooms usually do not have the joining side walls all the way down to the floor, it usually hangs a few centimeters high. So ya, shadow actions can be seen..can can. Am I starting to creep you out now?
Another thing, if you have a major bowel locomotion, be it solid or gaseous, do not spread your legs so wide that the person next to your cubicle can see your shoe. Do not. Because you know, if that person next to you is me, you know that when you come out from the restroom, I'd be there spotting that shoe to see how the sound of your bowel locomotion matches with that pretty face. Have some common restroom sense, really. Unless you really don't care for your dignity. Oh, boy, dignity. I will always remember that face, and that shoe.

If you need to gas bomb, pull the trigger before you sit on the bowl. Because, the shape of the bowl, in simple imagineer physics, you know, causes echo, therefore, amplifies the sound. And you really don't want the force of the air to push the toilet bowl water upwards and wetting your bum bums, that would be quite nasty.

Oh, also, if you are carrying any bag, hang it, do not put it on the floor, because I can also see it. If I don't see your shoe, I'd see your bag, they are both very spot-able. Besides, its really more hygiene to hang it.

Lastly, do not do your finishing touches near the crack of the door, yes, it is only a thin crack, but a thin crack is still a crack. If you are gonna spend an hour in the restroom, try avoiding your face, or possibly your whole self, to be visible through the door crack, is it not embarassing? Cause I'd go, "Hey, that is my classmate taking a hard poop." I know, I know, pooping is natural, its human, but still society classifies pooping as an unsocietal action, you are supposedly not suppose to do it in public. So yeah, do it at home. Then you are safe from people like me, or me.

So now you know, what I do when I am in the restroom. I listen and I observe. But no, I am not a perv, though I sound like it. Haha.

So, here Jenn, Happy Birthday. tehee.

di manakah wajah,
di manakah suara?
di manakah khabar,
di manakah semua?

dalam gelap
kedengaran sepi
kuatnya bunyi sunyi
menganggunya sanubari.

di manakah kebenaran
di manakah keberanian?
di manakah kepastian
di manakah senyuman?

dalam diam
fikiran berkeliharan
semangat terpendam
keluhan berpanjangan.

redhanya rela
pahitnya rasa
sejuknya perasaan
ini kebenaran.

ubat pilu.

inilah saat yang saya amat memerlukan untuk menulis blog. selama selepas semboyan berbunyi, tidak pernah lagi saya merasa sebegini. penulisan blog seakan mengubati hati yang serba pilu. hanya malam itu, terasanya perasaan pilu dan sedih.

ajal semakin tiba buat saya. walaupun masih lagi ada beberapa hari di depan mata, tapi sudah tentu, hari-hari yang akan mendatang, pasti berlalu dengan sekelip mata, tanpa bunyi, tanpa suara.

setiap kali bila menjelang hari-hari terakhir, setiap kali saya mengeluh tanpa habis-habisan. tapi siapa yang sebenarnya mendengar keluhan ini? sendiri ajalah. siapa yang benar-benar memahami perasaan gelap ini? ah, susah hendak diluahkan, apatah lagi untuk dikongsi.

bilakah akan saya sedari dan bilakah akan dapat saya menyesuaikan diri dengan realiti ini? perlukah saya melalui kepiluan ini setiap kali berpisah? rindu yang terpendam dalam hati susah untuk dibuang.

biarkanlah. tidak terdaya walaupun apa.

SEMBOYAN BERBUNYI KUAT.

IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR AGAIN! SUMMER HOTNESS. SUMMER GILANESS. AND MOST OF ALL SUMMER KEBAHAGIAAN. KINI AKAN BERMULA. BIAR SISA-SISA HARIKU BERMULA.



p/s i know. since February. i hope fella friends and readers would stay tuned. thanks for the loyalty.

my February.

February is and has been a busy month this year. many events coincidently falls on February. February never fails to entertain. because its my month.

for this year, the Chinese New Year is also Love's Day. too bad for some love birds. gotta stay home with the family to celebrate the new year's but its ok, everyday can be love day. but sure hope everyday is not family day, now thats die-able! haha.

and for me and my bunch of friends, February comes with an extra event - a 2 days party. though we have not literally tried partying for 48 hours straight, but we should, one day! its my two other best friends' birthday on the 18th and mine on the 19th. for this year, i am glad and of course, very envious, my friends had had a good celebration. they had a star gazing party, how about a change! that was a pretty nice idea. and yan promised that when i come back, we would star gaze on her roof. i hope she remembers her words. and then on my birthday, my friends had gathered at ng's house to wish me. and had made me a tevee star! haha.

it started with ng calling me on msn, i thought it was really weird, as we barely even chat on msn on a regular basis..and ng is calling me?! i thought the world was ending. and i had asked jennifer "why is ng calling me on msn...is she with you?" and jennifer said "no. why?" how stupid. but anyway, i answered ng's call. haha. and it was only yan and ng on the screen. i thought i did hear jennifer's voice behind.......haha. then ng covered the webcam with her hands, i thought she was making out with yan, not wanting me to see. oh well,.. . then when she removed her hand...jennifer, tee xin, jen yong, and of course, ng and yan, singing for me. it was hilarious. but also touching. =) thanks you all.

and very suprisingly, this year's birthday came with many other suprises. pleasant suprises. one thing that i thought was real awesomus was a 3 feet spongebob pinata. i had 3 cakes to make wishes, but one was virtual but real cake. haha. go figure.

anyway, i am very happy with this birthday. i guess i am finally 20. and when my mada wished me, she mentioned to see me as a "full grown lady". i told her she should not be very hopeful on that part. full grown + lady = too much to expect from little jane here. to those who hope i stay the krazy same, you have better chances than my mada. haha, i pity my mada, but i always try. we know that.

i miss being 19 already. 19 is like a baby, and suddenly, 20 is like so lau kok kok. anyway, now that i am 20, according to myself, i still have another 9 birthdays to celebrate.

my February did not start off quite well, but it proceeded with a bang, and i hope will end with a bigger bang. and for everyone too.

my life stopped telling stories.

has my life run out of stories to tell? my life had stopped telling stories.

for once, after i started to blog, i have no life's stories to share. (i don't know why i keep using the word, "life", but its as if more philosophical, so bear with me)for once, i have this brain block that i fail to generate stories that i think my fellow friends, also my once faithful readers, would find interest in reading.

i feel that i am too boring to be read. i feel un-janed. shocking. shocking.

what i see through my eyes, fails to come out as a story. and what i feel in my heart fails to be written in words.

and when i [temporarily] stopped blogging, i stopped reading my friends' blogs. and i feel so disconnected, so disconnected.. i feel so left behind, and just too juiced out to race all the way front. and hence, the total disconnection. keeping up seems like an endless effort, for a moment there, i needed to take a break and hid myself in the dark corner, between that two walls.

but today, the sunshine beamed down into that corner i was hiding.

past many weeks, although seemingly lost from the existance in my blog,i was still updated with the many happenings from home, eg. the Allah controversy and how convent taiping received some national media attention (youl), merentas desa from school........school's ketua pengawas campaign, my friends trip to Tambun sambil belajar ke Hospital Ipoh, sentral's new skating ring and oh bloody oh blaadahs.

Lastly, HAPPY FEBRUARY, people!

February sudahpun mari, jom sama-sama bernyanyi, berpesta berseri-seri, asal tak makan babi.

February comes the new year.

lone

i find myself alone
sitting in the dark night sky
the stars are the only friend
they are there but they are far
just like you

the condensed air of lonliness
cold harsh and silent
it gets harder and harder to breathe
by the thought of the distance you left
between you and i
its like the end of the road and little bit more

i accidentally tried to grasp your hand
but all i caught was empty

the earth finally made its final turn
celebration of sparks and lights
but i miss the fireworks of you and i
prettier than the ones in sight
but i shall settle for one less pretty

lonely as i am
i shelter in your joy



hey, people, what have we here, a new year? Happy New Year. a year you will fill it with jolly lollipops.

a phone call, that phone call.

oh, dear. severe abandonment of the blog.
XX

have you ever felt rapid heart beat when making a phone call because this is the first time you attempted the call? and because the person behind that phone makes your heart pulsate at 101 times per minute?

i have.

and after dialing 33 numbers, the long pause on the phone before it starts ringing, makes the anxiety peak. and when it starts to ring, the mind lose its control due to nervous breakdown, the mind runs wild, trying to make up itself, what to utter after 'hello'. and in every, "tuuuut tut...tuuuut tut" the hearts beats with its rhythmic sound. high and low.

probably many have experienced that krazy gushing feeling.

but how you ever felt the sheer dissapointment when after a long awaiting of the ringing, the one that answers the call is nobody but the voicemail. again. and again. 3 buckets of water into a tiny fire of bravery. all that was left was ashes of discouragement. all the anxiousness, nervousness, excitement drained out in a vertical plummet.

probably beginner's luck failed. allocating a second surge of encouragement and bravery to pick up the phone and dial a string of 33 numbers. resulted in nothing but an endless ringing tone. never been picked up. no voice. no life. no hope.

that is when emotions unleash themselves without control.

and probably third is the final attempt. guess what, there was the voice. there was the life, there was the hope. but the voice the life the hope, could not hear the voice on this line. how many hellos does it take to finally tell you that, "1 time or 10 times, if it can't hear, it can't hear, quit being a parrot"? well, i guess, 4? hear and not be heard. thats the best it can only go.

this phone call..

smat jatra, gu.

do you remember how back in Convent Kota, on those blue Mondays assemblies, when the guru besar would be giving her speech, or when during those after-recess lectures or even in-class soul-searching-aimlessly sessions, the teachers would stress and stress time and time again, that, "ada di kalangan kamu yang sangat sombong. bila berjalan lalu dengan cikgu, jalan saja, tak pun berhenti untuk ucap cikgu, 'selamat sejahtera'. lain kali, kalau lalu depan cikgu, ucaplah selamat sejahtera.."

such great emphasis had had psychological effect on us. constantly trying to prove those teachers and their statements wrong, we would ucap. in the long corridor of Convent Kota, as soon as we see a vague image of a walking teacher, or a shadow of an approaching teacher, or when we hear the creepy footsteps of a teacher getting louder and louder, we would automatically put on wide smile eyes open wide and cute and tongue all set in the position to utter, 'se...'.

so much so that the culture is so deeply engraved in us that, although we do not want to ucap, but it comes out uncontrollably. the smile, the cute wide eyes and the selamat sejahtera, cikgu. dalam hati kata, 'malasnyerr nak bukak mulut.' tapi ekpsresi muka tetap senyum, tetap 'selamat pagi, cikgu.'

not only do we ucap every teacher we meet along the corridor, we give a lil cute bow. like those of japanese culture. what more can you ask from a bunch of young untamed pupils? a bow and a nod and ucapan? too good to be true.

when in menengah Convent, teachers never had problems with us Convent Kota because we are so [too] well-trained. but the ucapan has evolved. from 'selamat sejahtera cikgu', to 'smat jahtra gu' and a nod of the head, but eyes looking through the teacher.

as teenagers, we tend to not want to follow commands, whatmore to be asked to ucap cikgu bila bertemu di koridor sekolah. but see, we still do it, though may not be as precise as we used to do it in Convent Kota, but we still do it. it is like you cannot not urinate when shitting. thus, when our eyes spot a teacher, the mind automatically tells us to ucap, senyum, without consciousness.

but then you see, i believe that this is not a culture widely practiced in other schools, though to us, it seem like a common culture. we are indeed so obedient and i dare say that if we were asked and molded to ucap, smile, bow and end it with a curtsy, we would, until we are 17!

Pemandangan indah.

Jatuh
-lagu nyanyian Adam.

(dipapar di blog Jennifuck)

"Di manakah pemandangan terindah di dunia?
Puas ku cari setelah jauh melangkah
Hingga takdir menyuluh ke arah mu
Ku temu pemandangan itu terlakar di wajahmu

Dengan setiap renungan
Terpesona ku rasakan
Dengan setiap belaianmu hati makin tersentuh

Oh kasih, oh kasih
Ku berterima kasih
Padamu kerana menyempurnai hidupku

Dalam berjuta-jutaan lagu
Tiada satupun dapat menenteramkan kalbu
Melainkan bila kau menyebut
Ke telinga bahawa kau juga sayang padaku

Dengan setiap lafaz kata
Harapan makin menyinar
Untuk kita bersama membina hidup bahagia"

balasan saya:

Pandangan Mata Dia

pemandangan yang indah nun bahagia,

bersinar secerah cahaya,

berkilauan lalu memukau saya,

pemandangan itu pandangan mata dia.

jika dunia sudah saya terokai,

dari timur ke barat saya menjelajahi,

beribu-ribu manusia saya temui,

tetapi hanya pandangan mata dia saya ingati.

pandangan mata itu mengajar saya

erti bahagia,

pandangan mata itu sempurna;

tiada lain yang setanding dengannya.

pandangan dia berwarna perang,

tegas, manis dan sentiasa tenang,

memekarkan hati bila dikenang,

hingga lain kali saya didatangi peluang.

uncontrolled lust

i write i must
to fulfill my lust
my lust to find words that rhyme.
the writings i write
may not mean right
because its only for sight.
xx

everyday I sit and I stare,
as I swing against the summer breeze,
into the cloud and into the flare,
taking a moment to finally breathe.

thoughts make a mess,
into my head they ingress,
puzzling, confusing, as can be,
one thing is clear to me -
it is you I miss.

when winter nears,
and leaves disappear,
neither the cold nor wind,
could blow you off my mind.
its like you are here, tight and bind.

I know, I truly know,
I stand alone in the cold.
with nothing but a broken sock.
because I hold on to that thought,
only to never be missed back.

but here I am, higher and higher I swing,
deeper and deeper I fall in esthetic,
the blank spiral of self empathy,
trying not to be dramatic,
only trying to express this feeling.

Rindu

rindu ini tidak pernah padam,
selama saya bisa bernafas,
perasaan ini akan dipendam,
dalam hati tanpa batas.

rindu kian puncak,
pada tanggal saya bakal pergi,
didatangi halangan yang banyak,
perasaan pedih datang menemani.

dalam diam, saya bertanya,
adakah ini takdir tuhan?
haruskah saya terima
yang semua ini adalah pilihan?

waktu ke waktu,
dalam sabar, saya menunggu,
dalam sayu,
masih dipegang bunga matahari yang layu.

bila malam menjelang,
dibiarkan dalam kebingungan,
kesedihan bertakung,
air mata terbeku dalam keraguan.

rindu membawa senyuman manis,
kerana ia bukti belaian kasih,
seperti pemandangan riang dilukis,
pada kertas putih yang bersih.

tetapi merindu bukan sepenuhnya sempurna,
ada juga suka dan duka,
seperti di taman bunga yang berwarna-warni,
tetapi bunga penuh berduri-duri.

kisah rindu saya berakhir di sini,
pada pagi saya bertolak pergi,
hanya suara yang dapat didengari,
rindu yang terpaksa disimpan selama setahun lagi.

yang sebenar-benarnya adalah kebetulan,
tidak dapat ditolak, dielak,
mungkin ini satu ujian,
menjadikan pertemuan lebih istimewa kelak.

xx



(note to ezen: inilah hasil daripada perbualan kita.)

i write no reason.

ATTACHMENT. is my problem. and when attachment is a problem, DETACHMENT makes it another problem.

"The moment you get too attached to things, people, money... you screw it up."

"The challenge of life is to appreaciate everything and attach yourself to nothing."

Andrew Matthews, "Happiness in a Nutshell". page 10.

i don't know to what extend do i agree with Matthews, the happiness expert, on the first quote. but i have to agree that it is indeed a challenge to not attach myself to things/people.

though, i guess Mattews quote applies generally on people, tending to screw up something they are overly attached to. but i think that a great attachment would instead screw you up when even the slightest change takes place. and with that said, accustoming to a certain change and to have acceptance of that change makes another challenge.

and to have acceptance to change is to have openess for new things.

and all are actually impossibilities. i am no James Bond, nor Tom Cruise.

does no attachment make you appreciate things as much as attachment, or less or more? what are the indication of no attachment?

is attachment being able to let go of things just by a snap of a finger? because that is what i cannot do. letting go of things/people/past with a snap of a finger. or in fact a thousand snaps of a finger.

no attachment is suppose to bring more happiness. i say that is myth. because in every false there could be truth.

so what the hell. what did i accomplish in this post? nothing but a self-satisfying logical falacy.

i want to not feel the dilemma of attachment but not willing to accept no attachment.

uncensored and uncut, uneditted.

suatu hari di kelas 5Sc1, dalam tahun 2007.

hari yang cerah. sudah kian mendekati loceng tamat sekolah. guru-guru sibuk dengan agenda sendiri - mesyuarat dan mesyuarat lagi. anak-anak murid tidak terduduk diam, di mana ada kerusi, di situ tiada punggung. dan kelas hari ini kehilangan seorang yang penting...

semua ini membawa kepada hasil contengan di papan putih. berikut adalah apa yang tercatat:

xxx

Dialog hari ini...

orange: eh, kenapa masubing tiada di kelas hari ini?

blue: kawan karib saya masih x putus asa untuk lulus dalam lesen tu. tapi saya masih ragu2.

orange: awak ada mendoakan kejayaannya dalam mencipta rekod 4 kali fail tak?

red: saya x seburuk orange. saya berdoa agar dia lulus juga suatu hari nanti. agaknya, berapa % kegagalan pada kali ini?

orange: maths saya memang tak baik tapi dengan maths-yg-bodoh brains, saya dapat calculate yg % kegagalan > % kelulusan. btw, red, ya la, awak doa kat tuhan apa? tiada tuhan yang boleh menolongnya. dan tiada tuhan yang boleh mengampun kebodohan memandunya.

blue: saya setuju dengan orange. saya bangga dengan pencapaian kegagalannya setakat ini, tapi saya yakin dia akan gagal lagi. jadi saya lebih bangga. red doakan apa?

red: saya doakan supaya esok masubing datang ke sekolah dengan senyuman.

green: teruknya. tapi saya suka dan saya rasa punca kegagalan masubing kerana dia suka sambil TB sambil pandu kereta.

orange: haha...anda pembaca semua tahu apa itu TB? kalau tak tahu tidak mengapa. tetapi salah satu faktor besarnya, masubing suka akan tabiat itu...jadi blue, anda sebagai kawan karibnya tolonglah masubing buang tabiat TBnya yang buruk itu.

blue: ala, orange. biarkanlah dia dengan tabiat TBnya itu. saya tak mahu mengubah dirinya yang sebenar.

orange: tukar bagi kebaikannya. untuk pass ujian memandu je. selepas itu, biarkanlah dia TB. saya suka bila dia TB, saya akan dapat tengok dan gelak.

xxx
copyright reserved.

segalanya yang telah dikonversi telah disokong oleh para rakan, dengan kehadiran tanda-tanda tangan yang ternampak di gambar.

kejadian itu juga telah mengambil tempat 56 hari sebelum percubaan SPM '07. jadi bolehlah anda sekalian membayangkan keriuh-rendahan yang mampu berlaku.

sehabis itu, muncullah si dia yang hilang dari kelas. kami memandang antara satu sama lain, diam, terpegun menanti berita dari si dia. sementara si penakut sedang sibuk memadam papan. diam di luar, tetapi saya tahu, dalam lubuk hati setiap orang di kelas ada terfikir tentang catatan di atas papan tadi..

dan beritanya........................................................................