in the many days that i am available for an emotion rollercoaster, it had to be today. it had to be this.
i admit that in all possible outcomes, i have never forseen this as the outcome. probably it is not the final one yet, but it is still enough to break my spirit by half. probably the situation as i know is not the situation in truth but will i ever know what is happening behind that wall, behind that telephone line.
i will depart this chance very soon and for this chance to come again would still be a long time coming. but it is not that i did not try. i tried. and this was probably the hardest i've ever tried.
i blame no one. maybe something went wrong along the way. the interseption of time, communication, character, technical and faith caused the failure of it all.
this is a feeling of your one saviour that turned to be your murderer. ouch.
give me light. give me guidance. give me bravery. give me direction. because i do not want to regret this.
make action. take action. do action. i do not want to lose this.
if this actually fails, its a heavy grievance that i would need to pack with me and be tagged along for months and months to come.
for the sun to shine again, you have to go through cloudy days. i guess.