a phone call, that phone call.

oh, dear. severe abandonment of the blog.
XX

have you ever felt rapid heart beat when making a phone call because this is the first time you attempted the call? and because the person behind that phone makes your heart pulsate at 101 times per minute?

i have.

and after dialing 33 numbers, the long pause on the phone before it starts ringing, makes the anxiety peak. and when it starts to ring, the mind lose its control due to nervous breakdown, the mind runs wild, trying to make up itself, what to utter after 'hello'. and in every, "tuuuut tut...tuuuut tut" the hearts beats with its rhythmic sound. high and low.

probably many have experienced that krazy gushing feeling.

but how you ever felt the sheer dissapointment when after a long awaiting of the ringing, the one that answers the call is nobody but the voicemail. again. and again. 3 buckets of water into a tiny fire of bravery. all that was left was ashes of discouragement. all the anxiousness, nervousness, excitement drained out in a vertical plummet.

probably beginner's luck failed. allocating a second surge of encouragement and bravery to pick up the phone and dial a string of 33 numbers. resulted in nothing but an endless ringing tone. never been picked up. no voice. no life. no hope.

that is when emotions unleash themselves without control.

and probably third is the final attempt. guess what, there was the voice. there was the life, there was the hope. but the voice the life the hope, could not hear the voice on this line. how many hellos does it take to finally tell you that, "1 time or 10 times, if it can't hear, it can't hear, quit being a parrot"? well, i guess, 4? hear and not be heard. thats the best it can only go.

this phone call..

smat jatra, gu.

do you remember how back in Convent Kota, on those blue Mondays assemblies, when the guru besar would be giving her speech, or when during those after-recess lectures or even in-class soul-searching-aimlessly sessions, the teachers would stress and stress time and time again, that, "ada di kalangan kamu yang sangat sombong. bila berjalan lalu dengan cikgu, jalan saja, tak pun berhenti untuk ucap cikgu, 'selamat sejahtera'. lain kali, kalau lalu depan cikgu, ucaplah selamat sejahtera.."

such great emphasis had had psychological effect on us. constantly trying to prove those teachers and their statements wrong, we would ucap. in the long corridor of Convent Kota, as soon as we see a vague image of a walking teacher, or a shadow of an approaching teacher, or when we hear the creepy footsteps of a teacher getting louder and louder, we would automatically put on wide smile eyes open wide and cute and tongue all set in the position to utter, 'se...'.

so much so that the culture is so deeply engraved in us that, although we do not want to ucap, but it comes out uncontrollably. the smile, the cute wide eyes and the selamat sejahtera, cikgu. dalam hati kata, 'malasnyerr nak bukak mulut.' tapi ekpsresi muka tetap senyum, tetap 'selamat pagi, cikgu.'

not only do we ucap every teacher we meet along the corridor, we give a lil cute bow. like those of japanese culture. what more can you ask from a bunch of young untamed pupils? a bow and a nod and ucapan? too good to be true.

when in menengah Convent, teachers never had problems with us Convent Kota because we are so [too] well-trained. but the ucapan has evolved. from 'selamat sejahtera cikgu', to 'smat jahtra gu' and a nod of the head, but eyes looking through the teacher.

as teenagers, we tend to not want to follow commands, whatmore to be asked to ucap cikgu bila bertemu di koridor sekolah. but see, we still do it, though may not be as precise as we used to do it in Convent Kota, but we still do it. it is like you cannot not urinate when shitting. thus, when our eyes spot a teacher, the mind automatically tells us to ucap, senyum, without consciousness.

but then you see, i believe that this is not a culture widely practiced in other schools, though to us, it seem like a common culture. we are indeed so obedient and i dare say that if we were asked and molded to ucap, smile, bow and end it with a curtsy, we would, until we are 17!

Pemandangan indah.

Jatuh
-lagu nyanyian Adam.

(dipapar di blog Jennifuck)

"Di manakah pemandangan terindah di dunia?
Puas ku cari setelah jauh melangkah
Hingga takdir menyuluh ke arah mu
Ku temu pemandangan itu terlakar di wajahmu

Dengan setiap renungan
Terpesona ku rasakan
Dengan setiap belaianmu hati makin tersentuh

Oh kasih, oh kasih
Ku berterima kasih
Padamu kerana menyempurnai hidupku

Dalam berjuta-jutaan lagu
Tiada satupun dapat menenteramkan kalbu
Melainkan bila kau menyebut
Ke telinga bahawa kau juga sayang padaku

Dengan setiap lafaz kata
Harapan makin menyinar
Untuk kita bersama membina hidup bahagia"

balasan saya:

Pandangan Mata Dia

pemandangan yang indah nun bahagia,

bersinar secerah cahaya,

berkilauan lalu memukau saya,

pemandangan itu pandangan mata dia.

jika dunia sudah saya terokai,

dari timur ke barat saya menjelajahi,

beribu-ribu manusia saya temui,

tetapi hanya pandangan mata dia saya ingati.

pandangan mata itu mengajar saya

erti bahagia,

pandangan mata itu sempurna;

tiada lain yang setanding dengannya.

pandangan dia berwarna perang,

tegas, manis dan sentiasa tenang,

memekarkan hati bila dikenang,

hingga lain kali saya didatangi peluang.

uncontrolled lust

i write i must
to fulfill my lust
my lust to find words that rhyme.
the writings i write
may not mean right
because its only for sight.
xx

everyday I sit and I stare,
as I swing against the summer breeze,
into the cloud and into the flare,
taking a moment to finally breathe.

thoughts make a mess,
into my head they ingress,
puzzling, confusing, as can be,
one thing is clear to me -
it is you I miss.

when winter nears,
and leaves disappear,
neither the cold nor wind,
could blow you off my mind.
its like you are here, tight and bind.

I know, I truly know,
I stand alone in the cold.
with nothing but a broken sock.
because I hold on to that thought,
only to never be missed back.

but here I am, higher and higher I swing,
deeper and deeper I fall in esthetic,
the blank spiral of self empathy,
trying not to be dramatic,
only trying to express this feeling.

Rindu

rindu ini tidak pernah padam,
selama saya bisa bernafas,
perasaan ini akan dipendam,
dalam hati tanpa batas.

rindu kian puncak,
pada tanggal saya bakal pergi,
didatangi halangan yang banyak,
perasaan pedih datang menemani.

dalam diam, saya bertanya,
adakah ini takdir tuhan?
haruskah saya terima
yang semua ini adalah pilihan?

waktu ke waktu,
dalam sabar, saya menunggu,
dalam sayu,
masih dipegang bunga matahari yang layu.

bila malam menjelang,
dibiarkan dalam kebingungan,
kesedihan bertakung,
air mata terbeku dalam keraguan.

rindu membawa senyuman manis,
kerana ia bukti belaian kasih,
seperti pemandangan riang dilukis,
pada kertas putih yang bersih.

tetapi merindu bukan sepenuhnya sempurna,
ada juga suka dan duka,
seperti di taman bunga yang berwarna-warni,
tetapi bunga penuh berduri-duri.

kisah rindu saya berakhir di sini,
pada pagi saya bertolak pergi,
hanya suara yang dapat didengari,
rindu yang terpaksa disimpan selama setahun lagi.

yang sebenar-benarnya adalah kebetulan,
tidak dapat ditolak, dielak,
mungkin ini satu ujian,
menjadikan pertemuan lebih istimewa kelak.

xx



(note to ezen: inilah hasil daripada perbualan kita.)