slow down, time.

whats going on with the time??? when i am not working, its so fast it caught me off guard. now my biological time is not going accordingly as the earth's time. i get up at an unusual time, but still er, reasonable, that is at 10am. though i always wake up at aorund 830-9am back home. anyway, after spending little time talking to my friends its already afternoon. barely had any breakfast, just a nibble here and there. hunger don't seem to knock on the door when i am go engrossed talking to my friends, though its always the same topic. then lately, been out, either to do some home shopping or to do major house chores and by the time i have time to take a peep at my watch, its either pass 3pm or almost coming to 5pm and i had not had lunch..then only hunger comes knocking. then by then i take a rest, bathe, its 10pm. and i am still full from lunch. and by morning, wee hours of morning, when i am suppose to be sleeping, i am hungwy...so hunwy...with no dinner but only fruits. kookies. oreos. slow down time...slow down..why in a hurry?

but when i am working, need i say more? time is hell.

[readjusting myself]......beep beep boop.

harapan.

ada sesetengah orang yang hidup penuh dengan harapan. tetapi adakah harapan ini baik jika kita terlebih harap? dan ia pasti tidak baik jika kita hidup tanpa adanya harapan. kerana dengan adanya harapan, adalah realitinya.

dengan adanya harapan, kita mampu melakukannya...
dengan adanya harapan, harapan itu bagaikan mampu terjadi...

apabila sesuatu harapan terjadi, perasaannya teramatlah indah.
apabila sesuatu harapan terjadi, ia bagaikan semua kekecewaan lalu terpadam.

tetapi, apabila adanya harapan, dan harapan itu tidak bisa terjadi, ia bagaikan hati kita diguris, dicalar dengan dalam sekali. apabila kita terlebih berharap, kekecewaan itu berganda kali memeritkan hati.

saya sentiasa memastikan diriku ini tidak terjatuh dalam parangkap - 'terlebih berharap' yang akan mengakibatkan kekecewaan. saya sentiasa berkata kepada diriku untuk berhenti berharap kerana hidup diriku ini tidak layak untuk memiliki sebarang kebahagiaan. ya, kebahgiaan. tanpa adanya harapan ini, barulah akan ku dapat hidup tanpa terlukanya hati..dengan kurang sengsara.

harapan ini boleh membunuh. ada masa bila kita sudah berputus semua harapan, harapan itu muncul di depan mukamu. ada masa kita tidak pernah berhenti berharap, tetapi harapan itu tidak ingin memunculkan diri sama sekali.

tetapi itu semua sudah menjadi sejarah.
harapan saya wujud dalam bentuk yang berbeza sekarang.

aku tak percaya lagi pada apa yang kau beri aku terdampar di sini tersurut menunggu mati aku tak percaya lagi akan guna matahari yang dulu mampu terangi sudut gelap hati ini aku berhenti berharap dan menunggu datang gelap sampai suatu saat tiada cintaku dapat kenapa ada derita? bilabahagia tercipta? bila ada sang hitam? bila putih menyenangkan? aku pulang tanpa dendam ku terima kekalahanku aku pulang tanpa dendam ku salutkan kemenanganmu kau ajarkan aku bahagia kau ajarkan aku derita kau tunjukkan aku bahagia kau tunjukkan aku derita kau berikan aku bahagia kau berikan aku derita
aku berhenti berharap sampai dan menunggu datang gelap sampai suatu saat tiada cinta ku dapat.
berhenti berharap, sheila on 7

di atas itu satu lagu yang amat sesuai buat harapan.

kookie crumps.

i was just having some oreo. emm. they are addictive. then it came to me about one funny incident about how ezen's maid ate a rubberband when she mistaken it for a crumb from our yummy-just-out-from-the-oven kookies. she was so excited about how yummy it was that the excitement took over her, causing her to unconsciously pick up a rubber band from the table, thinking it was kookie crumbs, put it in her mouth and only to realise its not kookie crumbs. haha. it was funny how the whole thing happened. that was certainly the best compliment ezen and i received for our kookies.

so then my thought jumped to, what if i was eating oreos. and its now the last piece and i need more, just picking on every crumb i see on my shirt, on the floor and then i saw a big crump, on the floor, i pick it up, put it in my mouth, only to realise its a lizard poo.

have you ever?

have you ever wished that you could turn back time? have you ever wished that you could just have one more day? have you ever wished that you said yes? have you ever wished that you could turn around and redo what you had done? have you ever wished that you said what you did not? have you ever...?

i have. i know its foolish. cause these are all just empty wishes.

yes, maybe on that day if i had done something more, said something more, stayed a little longer, things might not be the same as it is today, or maybe not.
yes, maybe on that day if i had done something more, said something more, satyed a little longer, i might have created more memories to keep today..
but i must be contented.

having wishes like those means i regret for all that i had done. yes, i do regret to a certain extend for things that i did not do and did not say, but i should be happy for the things that i did and things that i said, though might not be enough but at least i said something rather than nothing.

imperfection are sometimes the perfect solution. maybe for those imperfection that we had done, we have what we have today.

now, i figured, why turn back time? - special moments and memories are no more special anymore if repeated twice or more. its only special because it can only happen once in lifetime, and one time only. why wish to redo what you had done? - its only special today because of the spontaneous act you did on that day, if you can now go back and redo it, the special element would be lost. if you had done a great mistake that you truly regret, don't wish to change it and take it back, you should know that you deserve the result today as a punishment.

one thing is for sure, never wish for a chance to change the past, always wish for a chance (and many many more chances) to create more future, more special memories. more spontaneous special moments. unexpected memories. they are always more special than expected ones. besides, wishing for a chance to change the past can never come true, it only can make you feel awful.

start wishing, people. never stop.

quick tennis news.

ok..some must be bored of all this tennis news i am posting about but aa, i am just very excited about it all. well, unfrotunately, rafa lost to djokovic in the semis, therefore, he will only officially be the no.1 on august 18th. and for the finals of cincinnati, djokovic played against andy murray and hell, yes, murray won and djokovic, i hope he realise that he should not be proclaiming himself the next best. see, what i said about both of them in my previous post is sorta true afterall. well, next thing now is the Olympics.

happy countdowning to the Olympics, people.