pissing + shitting lessons.

prior to leaving Malaysia, i saved/received a lot of money, ang pau to wish me a safe journey here. and i thought to myself then,..man this is a lot of money but dang, i have no time to spend it. its no fun keeping it as i cannot spend it anyhow. so anyway, i wanted to spent it to get some good books. there was this one book that i spotted long ago but was too poor to get it, because it is expensive, for the size and content, it is expensive. but since now that i had excess money i don't know what to spend it on, i decided to get it.

the title of the book is 'the joy of pissing' by Professor Jimmy Riddle. i read the synopsis at the back of the book and it interests me right away. this is what is says...

you are probably wondering how much more you need to know about pissing beyond pointing and flushing. you are probably asking why you should receive any further training for what is after breathing and eating, the next natural reflex. like reading, once you've learnt, what more do you need to know?

Professor Jimmy Riddle pisses at least eleven times a day. he drinks a pint of water every hour to enable himself to do so. the joy of pissing celebrates our experience as a persistently urinating species and aims to alter people's urinating habits from something they simply allow to happen to something they actively participate in.

all aspects of urianting are covered by this book, from advanced skills, i.e. how women pee standing up, to extra curricular skills such as, 'how to piss off a bicycle' and lessons on how to know if you are using the toilet designed for a man or woman (there is a big difference you know!). there are plenty of hilarious anecdotal stories, an entire setion dedicated to 'the healing qualities of piss' and the most comprehensive amagamation of the usage of the word 'piss' in the english language.

wouldn't you be interested to know what this book has to offer? well, as for me, i cannot wait to learn the art of professional pissing. though answering nature's call isn't my favourite pass time. but unfortunately for me, the book covered all aspects of men's pissing ways. and only about 10 pages covered women but not as detailed because Professor Jimmy Riddle's student would not give him the details.

so, let me share a passage with all you female pissers out there. since that women's master of pissing is not prefected by Professor Jimmy himself, therefore, there is no guided manual to how to master the art of what i am about to share. but this is just to let you all know that, it is possible to perform this amazing feat.

this passage concerns about how ladies pee and pooh without getting heard. accoridng to the book, many women muffle splash sounds by employing the papaer aided method; stuffing the bowl with loo roll before tinkling. but this is not considered as a skill and this wastes precious pooh paper. therefore, the book do not recommend this practice.

the REAL skill is in the sitting position.

• sit close to to the front of the bowl, so the pee does not go anywhere near the puddle of water.

(if you are not comfortable doing so...)

• propel and aim you piss with the use of certain muscle gruop somewhere on the ground floor of the department store. (details was not given as the source for this information would not elaborate..)

if you are a natural in the art of pissing, you can also consider this skill of shitting that was mastered by the professor's student..

she would flush the cistern before the stool could hit the water's surface to avoid th dreaded undignified sound. she also had a swift hand and would have wiped the bum and miraculously disposed of the paper before the flush had finished.

the professor calls this a 'one-shit wonders'. but you are warned, if you want to try this feat, you will first have to know how much was to be crapped, then calculate the speed of the crap by taking in consideration of the height about the water and the gravitational pull, then you would need to accurately assume how fast the flush would fall and how long it would last, in order to wipe your bum well and dispose during the final stages of the flush.

i personally warn you dare-devils to do the math with your calculator. especially if you know that a bad diarrhoea is on its way. if not, i would not want to even imagine the mess when the diarhoea meet the flushing water and a tornado forms...fuh.

thats all the lesson for this session. =)

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen to your friends. And you're the first to lend a shoulder to cry on. You're there through thick and thin. You won't stop being friends with someone when times are tough. In fact, you're such a good friend that many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

coldness is killing me.

its been really cold lately.

oh, how i hate it.

1. i can't feel my toes and fingers.
2. cannot find a nice warm spot on the bed.
3. dishes get stacked up, cause i do not want to touch water.
4. and because of this, i try not to use the toilets too often, cause i do not want to wash me hands.
5. besides saving water, i do waste too. everytime i shower, i stand under the hot running water and just hoping that i do not need to get out.
6. nipples stand fucking erect when it gets colder than cold.
7. lips cracks. freaken pain. feels enlarged. (not good when it comes to the enormity of eejane's lips.)
8. uncarpeted area of the house like the bathroom and kitchen floors are like ice.
9. toilet bowl seat is cold. the first touch is like frost bite.
10. the keypads on the lapton gets cold too, after being left for awhile.
11. i do not like wearing long pants, feels that my legs cannot breathe but its cold.
12. the reluctantness to get out of bed in the morning. cause now the bed is already all warm.
13. i dislike drinking warm milk.
14. its not cold enough to turn on the heater but its too cold to bear.
15. the metal plate on my watch is cold.
16. i might have burn all my facial hair with the hot water i use to wash my face.
17. hate goosebumps. they are ugly. unless swanbumps, then maybe.
18. cereal is no good with warm milk. blergh.
19. i curl up so much during sleep, i might suffer back aches after this season.
20. at times, i thought i lost the tip of my nose.

no fun. i need sun.

Spongqua!

*spongebob's name during cave man time.

i am, i mean i really am, a very big fan of Spngebobsquarepants. and i believe that many here knows who he is and WHAT he is. yes, right, he is a sea sponge. NOT CHEESE. but to those minute number of people that do not know what Spongebobsquarepants is all about, do not be living in this era. my akong knows about Spongebob. but living by the Spongeob way, everyone is given a chance and everyone is forgiven. let me introduce you to the crew of these sea creatures...

first up is the widely popular,
Spongebob - he is a sea sponge that lives with his pet snail, Gary in a fully furnished, two-bedroom...pineapple. Spongebob's life long dream is to be Bikini Bottom's ultimate fry cook and thanks to his job flipping Krabby Patties at the Krusty Krab, he is living that dream everyday. Spongebob is as optimistic and earnest as sea-dwelling sponge gets but he can't seem to avoid getting himself - and usually everyone else - into trouble. while trying to hard, he tends to do things wrong, really wrong, which usually spells d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r. but Spongebob's always looking at the bright side of life. his enthusiasm on just about everything makes him downright adorable.

Patrick - Patrick is Spongebob's neighbour and best friend. his life's ambition can be summed up in just four words : uh...i...uh...forget. as Spongebob's best pal, he is always offering his advice and encouragement. unfortunately, Patrick is not the brightest of star fish in Bikini Bottom. therefore, he usually ends up heaping up Spongebob's trouble. even the simplest plan ends up in a disaster. but for what its worth, Patrick will always be Sponbebob's loyal pal.

Sandy - Sandy is a sea dome dwelling who lives for adventure and action. havign attempted just about every death-defying feat on land and in the ocean, she has accepted the ultimate challenge : living underneath it in an oxygen-filled dome. Sandy is the only living rodent in Bikini Bottom and Spongebob's karate-sparring partner. for Sandy, Spongebob is sea bottom's best stunt buddy. Sandy is also considered the smartest amongst all the creatures in Bikini Bottom.

Squidward - Squidward is a mean, whinny, stick-in-the-mud squid who thinks he is better and deserves everything better than everyone else. ju st about everything annoys him. The Krusty Krab annoys him. the customers annoy him. Mr. Krabs annoys him. and most of all, Spongebob annoys him, almost 24 hours a day including Sundays. besides working side by side with Spongebob in The Krusty Krab, he is Spongebob's next door neighbour. if it wasn't for the fact that Spongebob is the only one that do no mind listening to his clarinet playing, he would have nothing to do with Spongebob. on the other hand, Spongebob thinks that both of them are the lunch shift dream team.

Mr. Krabs - Mr. Krabs is Spongebob's boss and the owner of The Krusty Krab. making money is what its all about for Mr. Krabs. he is usually found counting his money in his office. although Spongebob does get to his nerves sometimes but he likes it that Spongebob is such a loyal employee that is willing to work for long hours for little pay. he also somtimes acts like Spongebob's mentor. Mr. Krabs hates his fast food rival, Plankton, the owner of Chum Bucket but surely not as much as Plankton hates him. the only thing that has more control over Mr. Krabs than money is his whale daughter, Pearl.

Plankton - Plankton is Mr. Krabs's arch rival, a little guy with big attitude. the ownder of Chum Bucket is always pulling up dastard schemes to steal The Krusty Krabs's customers and the secret formula to the delicious Krabby Patties. if she succeeded, they would be his first customers he'd ever had.

Gary - Spongebob's loyal pet may not be able to move so fast. he may leave a trail of slime everywhere he goes. he may not be very good at cathing frisbees or fetching slippers. but Gary is the best darn pet a sea sponge with square pants can ask for. and that is all that matters. meow.

so there you go..these are all the main characters in Spongebobsquarepants. and if you imagine all of them together in your tevee screen, how much fun it brings to life. together with some other creatures like Larry (the lobster), old man Jenkins (Bikini Bottom's oldest living creature), Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy (local superheros), Mrs. Puff (Spongebob's boat school teacher), David Jones (town ghost),...

all the goodness of life are all down in Bikini Bottom. we should go there someday.

join me.

truths about truth.

truth hurts but truth will set you free

true?

i think it is.

truth do hurt.

no matter if its good or bad.

it hurts someway or another.

but it certainly sets you free.

giving you the biggest sense of relieve.

to runaway from truth is to make truth haunting.

truth is like fear.

face it.

know it.

conquer it.

live with it.

truth comes in many forms, those that i know of are;

1. those bad truths that bites you right on the ass. that smacks you right on the face like a roti canai. you would go dumbfounded and say to yourself, how come i did not see that coming at all? i was/am that blind. these kinda truth will certainly teach a very valuable life lesson. lets you see things in a different way, and be more caution in the next time coming.
2. there are bad truths that make you realise what you have to do to improve as a person in someway. there will be no third party involve, just you, yourself and truth itself. it does not rip you wide apart like #1 but its a 'really, thats me?' kinda truth.
3. there are good truths..but good truths sometimes are the biggest life suckers. good truths that you only know when you are not able to make use of the truths. though it surely feels good to know but it is only knowing it. for example, knowing that he actually loves you but you are dying in a week. ironic. but for these kinda truths, they have to be in an ironic situation then its being confessed, i guess.
4. there are good truths that are not ironic, also. they just come right out and make your day(s) everyday. classic truths.
5. truths that you just cannot control. it can be bad, or good. or both. just how you see it. truths that are not being confessed, truths that just occur naturally on its own. its like a slow slaugther.
6. truths that make you go, fuck faggoty fucking faggottm. its not bad and its not good, its just plain fact. for example like, 'woah, Amsa (simply just a name as a character in this context) is taller and skinnier than Jennifer (ditto).

but being it truth #1, or #2 or 3 or 4, 5 or 6 they all set you free. hurt or not, its always good to know.

gimme some truth, people.

*its difficult to pronounce 'truths'. no?

kebedebahdan...

oh my god, jane is back.

anyway, laptop recovered all well in the hospital and is back to provide it's services. while i had no internet to spend my time on, i spend it on the tevee, many many many hours of tevee. really. i spend so many hours on the tevee, nothing but a bummer with a big ass, seriously, i do spent like 8 hours straight on the tevee, just watching nothing and rewatching nothing. i don't know why but i am capable of doing so.

anyhows...last Monday,i waited all day long, in excitement for Prison Break and dang it, there was baseball game on, thus Prison Break was not aired. i was very bumped. switching from one channel to another to another..then i decided to only switch between discovery channel, disney channel (never too old), VH1 and the history channel. back and forth back and forth. on one incident, it happened that all of the four channels were on commercial break, so i swtiched to travel channel, and the voice on tevee was saying, 'so here i am on the last day, in ... ' in that split second, i thought to myself, say Malaysia.. though i was highly doubtful that the voice will say Malaysia, but it did! Anthony Bordain, the host, was in Malaysia. but unfortunately, it was already his last day, so i only watched the last 3 minutes of it. but it was no familiar sight for me, it had rumah panjang, tribal people and lotsa greens, so i figured, it must be either Sabah or Sarawak. but it feels good to know that a travel channel program did made it to Malaysia. =)

being here, in a country so big, so ignorant to the outside world, regular common everyday people, generally, i assume, do not know much other than what is happening in their own town/city. and with that, obviously they do not know where Malaysia is. being that Malaysia is a small country. i have spoken to many people in the course of the time that i am here. people would ask me where am i from, and when i say Malaysia, you can see in their eyes that they have no clue. there are some very interesting conversations that i had with these kinda people.

conversation #1 :

the people 1 : so where are you from?
me : i am from Malaysia.
the people 1 : oh, wow. how is Malaysia like? what kinda language do they speak there?
me : well, Malaysia is a coutry very rich in culture. majority of the people there are malays and the rest are chinese and indians. i am a Malaysian chinese, therefore i speak chinese, i do not speak mandarin but i speak another dialek called hokkien, i also speak malay and of course english.
the people 1 : oh, wow. hokkien, my mum speaks that.
me : oh. do you?
the people 1 : no, i don't. my mum is from vietnam and they speak something similar to hokkien i think.
me : oh, so you are from vietnam?
the people 1 : no. i am from here. so...do they have fast food in Malaysia?
me : ya, sure we do. we have McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut, ...
the people 1 : oh, wow. you do? how about Popeye's?
the people 2 : no. Popeye's is not that famous.
the people 3 : so, do they have computers in Malaysia?
me : yes, of course we do! its an advance country. we have mobile phones and all the technologies in Malaysia.
the people 1 & 3 : oh. (with suprised faces)
me : you should go to Malaysia. its a nice place.

its all i can say to end the conversation. it was utterly unbelieveable. i mean come on! how would they thought i came all the way here from Malaysia if there was no computer. swam the seven seas to get here?

conversation #2 :

the people : so where are you from?
me : i am from Malaysia.
the people : oh. cause our english is really good.
me : thanks. we do learn english in Malaysia...
the people : oh. really? cause they don't teach us anything here.
me : you don't know where is Malaysia huh.
the people : i know... (long pause)
me : serious?
the people : ya, its near Laos right?
me : errrrryaaa... you can say that. kinda.

Laos is a really really rare. i mean you will get, its near Singapore or Thailand, but Laos? i am not sure where Laos is myself. but i think it borders with Vietnam and Thailand. but well, sure its close enough. but if compared to conversation #1, its heaven and hell.

thats the only two i can remember out of some more. but its just adakah-patut-kebedebahdan, you know.

but i am still very proud of where i come from. there is never once that i would wish that i am not anak Malaysia. speaking about this, has youl heard the Malaysia unity song? check it out.

shit rant.

bumped..so bumped truly faaking bumbed.

David Beckham's team, the LA Galaxy is playing the Houston Dynamo today in Houston and i cannot go. though i faaking have a madafaking ticket but i can't go because i am truly dumbdumbetydumb. i am not a big fan of his, but he is kinda like a legendary footballer that you have to lay your eyes on even for nothing. part of me is bumped for that, part of me is bumped because i just really want to be in a football stadium with screaming fans. it is like a a dream for every sport-fanatic. i guess this is the closest i can get unless a miracle happen. enough said to how madafaking bumped i am. its like giving up the golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and being a chocolate lover at the same time.

haih.

haih.

sigh.
sigh.sigh.
sigh,
sigh.
its a shit day today. be over. please be over.

be back soon,...laptop is recovering in the hospital. while i drown in misery.

i do not know how i am able to let myself let this happen.

......................................erasing................................

*excuse me for some inappropriate materials.

one question, many answers.

What is the one thing that you did not know last year but know better this year?

i find this question rather appealing. so for the past two days, i harassed friends on MSN and asked them this question. here are all of them;

Leithiga said : 'life is actually beautiful - full of rainbows of every colour.'

Sui Ying said : 'laundry. that it can help me escape the evening heat.'

Jessica K said : 'that college is not as fun as it seems.'

Yan Ming said : 'the world is not only huge but its huge and ugly.'
when asked, why so?
'being really our of comfort zone, realised things are not as simple as it looks - its no heaven on Earth. people always say that life is simple, do not agree.'

Mi Xuan said : 'get to know that the world is sick.'
when asked, why so?
'because back in school did not have time to read about the news around the world, now, finds that world is sick due to the political issues, natural disasters - flood, milk poisoning etc.. and rapping cases..'

Mei Linn said : 'life after school is harder than i thought.'

Jennifer said : 'friendship. kepentingan persahabatan.'

Jie Jing said : 'should appreciate parents and family more because been taking things for granted.'

Shu Fen said : 'setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah di sebaliknya.'

Shuh Pyng said : 'driving. all it needs is a little more confidence.'

Sook Kin said : '______ is a bitch.'

Koa Er said : 'i don't know what you talking la ejane.'

Ezen said : 'i have to think first.'

Joanne said : 'how much i love Taiping.'

Sui Ying's answer is typical answer you can get from her. but at least she found out something significant. because, the hardship of the people that did our laundry all this while had gone unnoticed. so this is certainly something to learn.

Sook Kin's answer is haha, i would say many others would agree but i cannot reveal the name, if not i die, she die, we all die. but then at least she realised it, some people don't. but give this person some credit, this person is only like that because this person cannot help it.

Shuh Pyng's answer speaks for itself. like hell ya, Beh, took you long enough to realise that.

hokkien rules!

the following post will be written in hokkien with a little touch of english, spelled in my way, so i do hope you readers out there are able to understand. translation is available upon request. so here goes, this is about a story of a girl...

chi leh cha bo leh, wa mhe bat ee eh, mhe bat kua koi ee, mhe bat tia koi ee, until bo lua ku nia, two of wa eh peng eui, happen to kah ee phe phe tua in the same hostel and ki the same school and studying the same course. chi leh cha bo mun mhe bat wa eh la... ee kana bat tia koi wa eh mia nia la eng kui wa eh peng eui uu kah ee kong tampuk about wa. i mean, like there is no way wa eh bat ane kuan eh siau cha bo.

anyway, chi jit, wa mhe chai an chua, kua diok ee eh blog, wa ma ki tak lo, out of curiousity. and also wa eh peng eui bo suka ee eh ma, wa ma koka ai kua ee si an chua eh lang lai la. so then, i tak ee eh blog. bo hami special la. tapi ti ti tak, scroll scroll, walau, ee uu ane che kaki eh photo eh wo.. aa mhe si kong chi nia sui, tapi biu kin la.. lang eh blog ma, kuan ee ane che. so, being ejane, chi nia suey eh ma, wa ma leave a comment lo. it was suppose to be the initials of a string of bad words but i mistyped, so it actually mean nothing. so it was just a bunch of letters. i seriously did not thought that it would frustrate her. or whatever.

ka boi m bo ming kia liau la. wa bo ki kua ee eh blog liau la. ah bo mong kia ho tak. tapi mou tin tin, wa eh peng eui ka wa kong that ee sia ee bo suka wa tua ee eh blog wo.. i am like kanasai, wa cho hami choh su? ho ee ghin wo. ee bo bo suka wa, wa tak tiuk beh si la, tapi ho ee ghin wa...wa si sipek syok eh. and its chi nia ho chio la. eng kui wa chi nia suka cho lang ghin wa eh, moreover si ane phin thai mou liu kanafied eh lang.


the reason ee sia ee bo suka wa si eng koi wa sia comment that has no meaning and that has polluted her blog. wow. i am so powerful to be able to pollute her blog. biau kin lo..ma ho ee ghin lo. not important,what happen after.

then i called my friend, yesterday, just to catch up on things. then my friend, being a great hokkien speaker herself, she told me about this new-found-friend of hers. my friend kinda inspired me to write this post in hokkien.

well, of course, wa beh sai kong wa eh peng eui ka wa kong hami la..abo most of the time, i have to ***** it. its wild and vulgar, baby. tapi, nasi bo **** then the story bo syok la.

tapi, cincai lo. ee siang ka si bo peng eui ane kuan. ma kah ee ee ee eh ghin na eh game lo. mou tin tin ho ee kong wa ane kuan.

chan hai...innocently hated.

but since ee ghin waa..wa ma openly ghin ee toh tui la. ane bin phoi kau eh lang. mien ho ee bin eh ma. anyway, wa mai kong che che about ee la. tapi wa ai kong eh si ho, ee uu chi leh post about ee kaki, chap chit nee au liau kalai uu chi tau pimple. kana beh tong kua tiok liau mun. tapi ho la..wa mhe chai taiping uu ane perfect eh cha bo chi koi. anne kuan eh ming kia mun sia eh chut. haih.. bo ua ho kong. kana ai au toh uu la.

thats it. i hope you enjoyed struggling to read. =)

salam Aidilfitri...

Salam Aidilfitri

kepada semua rakan-rakan yang berumat Islam dan kepada semua rakyat Malaysia yang bersama-sama beraikan perayaan ini.

Selamat Hari Raya, maafkan zahir dan batin.

semoga sambutan pada tahun ini lebih memeriahkan lagi dan penuh bermakna.